Divorced family and organizing homework

Publicado em Agosto 2017

AND being controlled and reversed. However, when I think deeply about it, I have always tried to prove to my dad that I am worthy of his acceptance, love, and affirmation. That lasted until we moved in together. My son looked up at me and said, “mommy, can we please leave? When I was pregnant with our second child my NPD spouse decided that his business came first and threatened to leave me with nothing if I did not agree to consign on his business venture despite my pleas for him to rein it in. She remarried, someone other than the ex-boyfriend, 3 years after leaving our marriage. He kept stalling with these “reasonable” sounding excuses. Don’t diagnose your husband in front of or to the court. Promise. He spent most of his time removing machinery and equipment he had in the garage along with other assets that I discovered he had kept out of bankruptcy. Finances were never stable, it always seemed that we owed someone money or needed to borrow. You might be tempted to depend on kids for emotional support or to ask them to report back on what the other parent is doing. Harrassment, 2 yr probation, 6 mths suspended jail sentence. I was also an extrovert. I have been miserable the entire time. No help and no hope, I dont sleep, im afraid and worried sick for my sons well being. It works quickly – you can find easy do it yourself lessons online. Everything was fine for the first few years … children, jobs, etc. Twelves years of that was for the same reason as you — for the sake of my daughter, to protect her. It is necessary to put it in perspective, focus on the goal and and as you wisely said, remain clear on what is real and what we are reacting to. He’s angrier now than he was 5 years ago. A Milan-model therapeutic approach in which the family, as an enveloping system, is viewed as continuing to use an old epistemology that no longer fits in its current behavior patterns; the therapist indirectly introduces new information into the family system and encourages alternative epistemologies to develop. Please tell me this gets better! If the court doesn’t see through his bull shi* and give him custody–they caring, taking them places, and any interest will stop and the kids will be set infront of the tv or videogames and that will be it. While I did not know what emotional abuse was because I had never experienced it in any other relationship, I always knew his behavior was not right and had know idea there was a pathology to it and how insidious it was. We had just moved to a new house she wanted and I got her a car tried to provide anything she wanted. Really and truly, the love seems to be gone. Can anybody help me? I’ve since learned to just IGNORE and it has helped me tremendously. So thank you for this comment. What problems do you foresee? My sense of good judgment went out the window when I discovered who I was really married to – how could I not have seen all the signs??? I couldn’t count on the courts or the law to understand. Then say to yourself, “Time to land the planes. I got rid of my cell phone to stop the texting. He lied in all the legal papers, I was stunned, pathological lies, about ownership or property, income, fake illnesses – everything, so I googled “husband lies during divorce” and wow I found out about NPD and read my life online. And ladies, I know they can be worse than a one night stand, and being a christian, I should have known better, however I was blinded by my sin and enjoyed the positivity that came from others I wasn’t receiving from my wife. He convinced CPS that I am endangering my children. Exchange occurs in lobby and party dropping off waits ten minutes before leaving. Best, Ann He’s managed to use parental alienation and bribery to get our 16 year old daughter to agree to live with him because he didn’t want to pay child support for her. There wasn’t a wall in our house that didn’t have pictures or long mirrors up just to conceal the holes in the walls where he would bash them in. Psychopath here. All the drama that was produced from her family was worse than a “Days Of Our Lives” soap. She didn’t seem to have a lot of these traits that people talk about. Also, if possible have exchanges occur at school, (one parent drops off, the other picks up, therefore you don’t have to see each other) and on non school days, or if your child is not yet in school, have them occur at a police station. How can I get him to follow through and pay his portion? No matter what you do or how much want to be amicable, just forget it. The division of property could be fifty-fifty, sixty-forty, seventy-thirty, or even all for one spouse and nothing for the other (although that would be very unusual). They do not feel that you deserve to have your own happiness, if they even see a semblence of happiness coming from you, they want that too. To read his letters, you would think that I had turned into a total slob! The scarey thins is–he is succeeding. I encourage anyone reading this who feels there is no hope, to read it. Thats when the emotional affairs started. The process usually begins when the person seeking custody files a document called a "non-parental custody petition" (or similarly-titled petition) with the court, which sets out the person's relationship to the child, the status of the child's parents (living, dead, whereabouts unknown), and the reasons the person is seeking (and should be granted) custody. Many times I see the kids come around, it really does happen. The purpose of alimony is to avoid the unfair economic consequences of divorce by providing a continuing income to a non-wage-earning or lower-wage-earning spouse, paid by the higher-earning spouse. He didn’t like working for others after he retired. Since then has tipped off the Tax office that I falsely claimed benefits (not true of course! Eventually I got to the point of saying to myself, “Oh, here comes the word salad. She in turn hired an attorney because she did not feel she could go up against two attorneys. That put a huge damper on our relationship, talk about not walking on eggshells? And the law and police enforcement need to be taking these behaviours seriously because it seems these people are upping the anti as of late with violent acts and murderous rampages. 00 a month in child support, he is remarried to coworker he was having his affair with (and helped her to get custody of her children as well. There might be a chance? In the past, most alimony awards provided for payments to former wives by breadwinning former husbands. I thought he was going to just let me walk away and admit it was over…I was WRONG. I think the worst part of reading all of this is that my soon-to-ex told me BEFORE we were married that he had been diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder after his first wife filed for divorced. Amazing that her mental health is intact after all the years with this man. Since then it has gotten a lot worse. While it may be hard to understand or believe, I promise you it is the truth. In the beginning–like all of them–he treated me great. He showed no mercy on me when he would cheat or do something really hurtful. Then cut ALL communication with him. They have sections on custody, money, etc as it pertains to your state – this is important. My ex has never trusted or respected men bc they have always lied, cheated, and abused her, which sadly is me as well and I own that. Hi – Read everything you say about your wife in your post and then tell us where you find her lovable. I need someone to help me get out. The savings on their combined tax bills would be $2,271 over what would be paid if the alimony payments were taxable to the husband. I have used the saying “actions speak louder than words” with success, countering her negative words with fun times. This is a great article. I am passing this information on to my daughter immediately. Whereas once the arrangement for and payment of child support was left to the parents, now state child support enforcement agencies are taking an aggressive role in seeking payments from non-custodial parents. An older son texted me about what happened and I told them to get to a safe place. Because in the United States nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and almost one-fourth of all children are born to unmarried parents, the regulation of child support is an important social issue. I was painted into this person im not. I am still alone but trying to make it everyday and to be here for my kids any way I can. I am still paying my attorney to fight each and every firey dart he throws my way. PS My ex in Court claimed falsely that she would be delighted if my son contacted me but that unfortunately he did not want to see me. Don’t expect fair. I am not saying break the law or your parenting plan. When our second son was born, he was disappointed that he wasn’t a girl, so he never really accepted him into his life-he wanted one of each, but we weren’t given that-so he chose to ignore the second child altogether. Then I called him and asked him to meet me at a restaurant (public place as my therapist recommended). It takes time and taking care of yourself. Hard working and never been in any kind of trouble w the law. Don’t let him dictate how the legal system works. He is actually getting people to take his side in this matter. Even as they became teenagers. I tryed to leave him once but I did not want to stay back home with my parents, so I forgave him and went back to him. 165. At this point I will manipulate, lie and deceive HIM to avoid going through his abuse and drama. Negotiate the retainer. He would encourage “lovingly” for me to share my soul, only to use everything against me. Thanks. My ex used to turn the music off or change the station, in the car when I would start to enjoy a song, that’s how little happiness he wanted me to have. I hope you have studied the family code for your state and can find the help you need there in case your attorney is not doing it for you. I still was manipulated by him and felt sorry for him. Like Christie Brinkley says, she just wants to go on with her life. BUT I can not. During my divorce I used to pretend I was wearing teflon clothes to let my husband’s abuse fall off me. DID YOU JUST RIP HER FROM MY ARMS?? Others need to hear what works and I’m happy you brought this up. I am still currently living in his house, although it’s in the guest bedroom. It is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). You will never know who has benefitted from your information. 3 yrs go by and when I returned my son last summer, got back home to my state, and talked to my son. I think you will see that. With the lack of control that they no longer have of you, they hate you, and consider you their utmost enemy. I went though the same with my husband. When a married couple gets a divorce, the court may award "alimony" or spousal support to one of the former spouses. To think that I can never shut him out entirely…. Number 4 is my victory. I moved out FOUR times. Good times are not “spoiling” and the best fun is free: playing Frisbee, enjoying the outdoors, public libraries… If possible your daughter should have good times with her son in public, with witnesses who can later testify she’s a good Mom. Kids, no matter how much they try to understand what you're going through, are still just kids. The night before our temporary hearing he had his high powered new attorney file a motion to dismiss saying we were not separated at the time of filing. )which they believe so they are chasing me for thousands of pounds whilst I get no financial support for my children from my ex. We’re rooting for you…you have a huge base of support even if it is virtual. Why would she tell the court the truth now? Thank you for reminding us of the value of the IGNORE button. He refused to let me sleep last night, coming into the room I now share with my daughter, and telling me I couldn’t go to sleep until we discussed this. The things others are saying are hitting home and I don’t even know what to do. Some states label such a situation as "non-parental" or "third-party" custody. The therapist assumes a pivotal role in helping family members dislodge rigid and repetitive ways of interacting by substituting more spontaneous and flexible ways of accepting and dealing with their impulses.. (And that most of these stories are Narc men and not women, which I know the stats, however I’m reaching out! It became humorous and kept things real for me, always remembering that he was just gamey! That’s what pisses him off the most and that’s what I’ve gained. Unfortunately, he is a Guardian ad Litem (represents children in court custody and abuse cases). Most family law attorneys overcharge. You don’t know how others feel about it. He broke up with me one weekend and was blatantly with someone else the next weekend. It is easy to get caught in the web. Keep your head up, stay strong and don’t let down your guard. In any situation where child custody rights are at issue, a number of key questions are raised. I know it was because of him. Also, attorney’s do EXACTLY as Mr. Over a thousand dollars of clothes. ) "Equitable distribution" means a court divides marital property as it thinks is fair. I am late in the game for finding out what was wrong. This is my biggest worry…them having to fend for themselves without my help. Do not stop at resistance. " When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what's best for the kids. Try re-reading what you wrote. I am also grateful for the help we got from professionals – therapists, social workers, and even our attorneys in the initial divorce. 00 breast implants. We assume things good because we do good, we are good, and we act accordingly. ) Whatever the label, most states have specific procedures that must be followed by people seeking non-parental custody. I started noticing something strange about certain things he would say, his viewpoint, his behaviors. Seeing everyone say the same thing though and telling us to “Not react, don’t engage” is really helpful. He has charmed the guardian ad litum and she seems to be taking his side. I am not entirely sure what proper boundaries even are anymore, because he never respects mine, ever. He treats our 19 yr old son like crap because he could never bribe him into leaving and going to live with him so even now he belittles him about so much. As for him. If you shared you were abused as a child, something at one time they were so sympathetic to (and they never were, they just pretended to be), they will now use that against you. His dad is reinforcing the illusion that MOM IS TO BLAME and time will tell as he matures how he responds. I had no idea that they caused such destruction in everyday lives. He had a porn addiction and my oldest daughter (13 at the time) had talked of suicide. I don’t even want his energy in my home, because now IF we are around each other because of our child, I cannot wait to be rid of him and get away from him. My ex is exceptionally manipulative and simply sees our son as an extension of herself. But if you do, you have leverage. By them both. Absolutely shocked. Talking to a lawyer soon. He had a great business spent all his money on impressing woman, buying expensive jewelry, Rolex watches. One thing I found that is critical is feeling well physically. If I had been really smart, I would have made sure our joint money was used to buy things to help me out later, like my own life insurance policy, jewelry that I then could have left with friends to sell later, new sheets and towels that I could have stored away from the house, so that when I did start over, I wouldn’t be starting from inside of a hole. I didn’t think she had a low self-esteem? Don’t let him, the courts or the law control your life anymore. So sad it has taken so long to move forward. I spent 35 years with him, he molded,brainwashed,manipulated,intimidated,terrorized,threatened and coerced Me from the start. Reach out and see who you can find. I am terrified that he is going to try to take my daughter away from me, and he logistically could. I have never been through such hell in my life. Nothing illegal with the judicial or legal system – I never advocate that, just a little bit of making yourselves look like the fun people too as he is doing. In fact, I believe it has gotten worse. As I read it, it took me back to my darkest days of the divorce. However, with the aid of a clever lawyer and lengthy adjournments between hearings she was able to alienate our son from me. I went on to obtain two degrees and educate myself so I could be successful and raise my children without having to depend on anyone for help, to which I am proud to say my oldest son is graduating from college in May with his double bachelors in education and the other is finishing his junior year in high school this June, both honors students. You can’t function and make decisions from a place of feeling unwell. Attuned attachment between mother and child will likely lead to relatively stable senses of self and others, whereas miss-attuned or traumatized attachments may lead essay writing services university to disturbed senses of self and relationships with others. We don’t have kids. My spouse makes great money and when it comes down to the fact that we should divorce his only concern is me taking his$$$$$$ he is not worried about not seeing is two very young children he only says how ungrateful I should be that we can afford stuff. It took 3 years, thousands of dollars with lawyers and a total stalemate and in the end I had to take him to court, agree to all his terms, then borrow $200,000 from my family to buy out my ex from our house (even though divorced he would not leave) and then just one day (planned ahead) locked him out when he went off to work. I thought my ex was going to kill me. I have been a great mother and a devoted motehr for 11 years to my children. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, and I just want her to be safe and happy, and emotionally taken care of. Either he kills me or i kill him is my only way out. Be prepared for their thoughts on time-sharing, and try to be flexible. My ex-husband had the money to go after me and I had nothing. So our friends ended up being mainly her family for many years. Take vitamins, eat well, sleep much, take walks, find strengthening herbs, research how to strengthen your immune system – be your own spa director, medical coordinator, mental health expert. I am currently going through a divorce with a narcissist. She became like an teenager obsessed with this former relationship, with no thought to our child or our marriage. Strategize. While he was being investigated all bad actions stopped. I hear this is getting more and more common these days. So apparently I have no choice but to do this the hard way, as much as I didn’t want to. He has never really been involved in her life, unless it was to make himself look good in front of others. Assume a husband and wife are about to be divorced. Make this relevant – you get the gist – you need to placate as well as educate. He lied and cheated and left his son and I to fend for ourselves. Since we are separated and haven’t lived with each other in years we have nothing to fight over. Domestic violence happens to all people not a just a certain gender it happens to people male and female and worst of all children.. ” I remember clearly telling our therapist after he stormed out of counseling one night that the reason I was hesitant to file for divorce was that I was not ready for his hatred.  In his mind, you are worthless, you deserve nothing. He cheated repeatedly (always blaming me, he was sorry, but I was just so mean to him, he just needed a woman to be nice to him. I have lived with a narcissist the entire time. It was to the point where I was not even supposed to contact my parents or my sister. As a practical matter, if husband and wife owned two cars and a judge had to decide who receives which car, the husband and wife probably would each receive the vehicle that he or she primarily drove. One key, I believe, is to try to stay calm and remain clear on what is real and what we are reacting to – ie when they are pushing our buttons. Best to you, Ann After 2 years in the courts, I got the final decree but it still hasn’t stopped. Learn what it is the court and their people (GAL, e. So, here’s what I think you should do. I really would like to know how to get out of this marriage without having to deal this is rages and abuse. This Cut To The Chase Guide Is For YOU Do not discuss impending divorce. Termination upon the payer's death is not necessarily automatic; in cases in which the recipient spouse is unlikely to obtain gainful employment, due perhaps to age or health considerations, the court may order that further support be provided from the payer's estate or life insurance proceeds. How do I find a lawyer who understands this situation? " or "We both love you and are sorry that mommy and daddy have to live apart. Reading your comments has really helped me this morning. Can divorce lawyer get me settled in a nearby town where I can drive to grocery store and things like that? It was developed by someone from the engineering department at Stanford and is now used in veterans hospitals for PTSD. Mom who learned to ignore. That married into this pathology. I stayed after finding out the thousands of dollars he has spent on her… and finally, FINALLY I took a picture of them walking across a medical center parking lot, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR, and they did not see me… I finally left. I ended up being the one that has always worked. He is determined to destroy me physically (through cancelling my healthcare) and financially. My exspouse reopened the child support case. Best, Ann I have recently started to ignore again. It is so difficult I know but fighting back is a learning process and you get smarter at it as the divorce goes on, though it can wear you out. I would just let him go out, for weekends at a time, knowing he was with other women, just to have peace. I read your comment and wanted to touch base. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation. Good luck to all who encounter one—run, run for your life, because if you dont, they will try to drain you of any life you have-they are not happy unless you are less successful than they are. Nice Guy with the advice not to engage the narcissist and have found this to be my greatest weapon. Whatever vulnerabilites you showed in the past, they will exploit when you get the courage to leave them. One thing I want to share with you is this….. Or my self…im so stuck and lost w no hope…but I cant give up on my son. I’m thankful that my parents are Christians and helped me to trust God for strength and forgiveness. This forced my children and I to stay in hotels and with friends for 9 days because he refused to leave the home. I get daily threats and bullying and do not reply to any of it. I have been married for 35 years!!!! Use that strength to understand that you can go on and you must go on. I have my faith in god. My NPD spouse continued to run his company into the ground and all of his partnerships ended badly. The patience you are learning is a good thing – the price was high and you should not have had to pay though. These guidelines establish the amount of support that must be paid, based largely on the non-custodial parent's income and the number of children. Last year I got a restraining order for verbal harrassment, which of course only made him attack me more – I am still afraid of him after all these years. Horrible, yes. That is where my counselor stated,”You know you married your dad? No warrior in a battle would ever let their enemy know their strategies or give them the exact time of an attack. If the child support payments become delinquent, the agency can implement other collection mechanisms, such as withholding support amounts from tax refunds, or seizing real estate or personal property. What am I suppose to do? This is not being selfish. He was as unethical as they come and to put it in writing, with evidence, for the Bar was a turning point psychologically. My husband made the mistake of saying where my lawyer could hear that he would NEVER grant me a divorce, he would fight over the salt and pepper shakers…so my lawyer told the judge and asked the judge to make him pay for the entire divorce if he didnt grant it, so he did…thank goodness. Sorry for her, but you need to think of you and your children and your safety and peace. Plan without running to everyone and telling them you are divorcing. If they are using a computer, pay attention to ergonomics when choosing a desk, chair and accessories. It is underused and under-appreciated for its intrinsic value in accomplishing the goal of freedom from the victimization of the narcissist. He can call me every name in the book and it means nothing to me, I give his words no power and that has allowed me to maintain my sanity, because otherwise he would have the power to push my buttons when he feels like it. As the years kept moving forward, friends that I had started to disappear, the friends that we had were the friends that she chose, and term paper fashion if they got too close she would cut them off and on to the next ones. I havnt got my first check yet, don’t know how im gonna live, but not hearing from my kids for months has taken its toll on me;( I have no family as they are all messed up struggling with their own addictions and i fought to get outta there!! It will take and act of God to change it once its signed by a judge. ARG somebody break these handcuffs!!!!!! It isn’t always easy, I know that. I am much happier already. But it was the best decision I have ever made. To make a long story short he got away with it and turned around and filed on me all because he did not like my allegations towards him in the divorce papers. We ended up in court to modify visitation after we moved and the girls had to come and talk to the judge. Strength in my weaknesses and strength to go on. When they would come crying, she would go no holds barred to make sure the situation was corrected to her liking. All I ask is he does not bring up the porn on the computer while the kids are there. So last week, I filed a court custody modification to review the current order and i am requesting MANDATED court ordered mother-child counseling at this point to repair our relationship. I am in the middle of a divorce with a narcissist.. I liteally pretend as if I am deaf and I don’t hear him. It is exhausting emotionally, and has even affected my health. This is why children grow up to be sociopaths or worse. Can you do that? Anything you say to your ex will be twisted into things that didn’t happen. I aspire to be as strong as you are. Also very good advice from various people. We ultimately moved across the country because things just weren’t going well. Wherever possible work with the other parent to maintain consistent rules — and even when you can't enforce them in your ex-partner's home, you can stick to them in yours. You may be feeling the sting of betrayal now but her problems have only just begun. Thank you. I knew I had rocked his world when he told me that if I did not change the way he needed me to change for him, he would leave me, and I told him that I liked who I was faults and all and he would have to accept me just the way I am. However, when several years on I met the person who is now my wife, my ex began to make our son feel stressed. We have three grown children. He seemed to feel he needed to change me and therefore threaten and punish me at every opportunity. Try and find one that gives you some breathing space in terms of how they charge. It is now going through the courts and they play the ‘she’s mental’ card. Sometimes it takes a few years to reconnect with the kids after the damage done by the narcissistic parent and the courts. He always has to look good to everyone else. And they took my guns for a few months. I have nothing. Again, I was mislead. There's no simple solution to this. The court will also take into account other relevant factors, such as the custodial parent's income and the needs of the children. If they each were to pay taxes on these amounts, their combined tax liability would be $17,991. I told him what I found on the computer and that I had possession of the computer and that I wanted him to move out. He’s so convincing sometimes. The more prepared, calm and efficient you are, the more the attorney will respect you. And, we will continue to have fun with and enjoy our grandchild!!!!! You are the fortunate one to be out of this relationship. Most awards end if the recipient remarries. I had to go back with him. I have tried leaving him. But, I got out…I am alive…our kids are doing mostly ok. Tesla?? He will find another woman to latch on to. He wrote a statement of all the abuse and crazy things his dad did yet I am in a new battle over my oldest son that started over two years ago and is not finished. This can result in a savings in the combined income tax payments of the husband and wife. Throughout the process I put my faith in God and my lawyer. I also have been part of a mens group through my church and started to see how toxic our environment was and could be. What I mean by specific is that (as it was in my case) I endured a year of relentless email manipulation though my N was very careful not to be abusive you could read between the lines. You can doctor yourself. Don’t give it. ” I about crapped my pants when he said that! Now 31 she is out of my son’s house. You are normal and that’s what normal is like! Tell the GAL every child needs two parents (this is what they want to hear or you are accused of Parental Alienation) but you just would like to ask her help in getting him to tone it down a bit as the kids are getting embarrassed. No, this isn’t fair. THat’s the operative word here. Just facts. Of course you are upset and angry. As soon as we got married it all changed immediately. ” She would always belittle me, just like my dad would. Then, one day, just pack your bags and take the kids and go. Her mother belittled her husband in front of her so she had no respect for men. She seems to have enmeshed him so successfully in her hostility that it is difficult to see how, now that he is 15, he would ever be able to break with her and be truly free to decide for himself. When I do respond, he feels vindicated. Also, will check out the book you suggested. I remember countless times he would break furniture or put his hand through windows when he was mad about something-it was awful. YOUR ALL SO SADISTIC…. My codependancy has ended. Keep going. Now that my kids are getting older they are seeing what a fraud he is. With all that, feel proud and good about yourself. He was claiming parent alienation, so we had a social worker who specialized in reunification (my oldest daughter wasn’t seeing him). Look up Nancy Mullan, MD of Burbank, CA. To the extent that rights to a pension were earned partially during the marriage and partially during a period when the parties were not married, the part earned during the marriage may be marital property and the part earned when the parties were not married may be nonmarital property. Get it in your head, that they will NEVER change no matter what you do. I tell him all the time that I am not trying to make him look bad that I am just trying to be happy. Thank God no small children involved! I’d hate to think he had become hard-hearted and cruel like her. Deal with the porn only in a mild mannered way – porn is the biggest attraction on the internet. In several other community property states and in all equitable distribution states, courts are allowed to fine-tune property divisions. When we finally decided to date, he was amazing. Anyone getting divorced, there is ABSOLUTELY no justice in family law. I, even when filing a report once was told by an officer that he was NOT my lawyers secretary. I never heard of NPD until after I filed for divorce. They don’t like lay diagnosticians. Nice treatment until the ring was on, the sudden change, the emotional detachment from the kids, my plummeting self-esteem. I have thought endlessly about leaving him. I’ve had 4 attys its gotten so bad nobody will take the case has been as a whole allegiance . In cases involving unmarried mothers seeking child support, the first step may be to legally establish the father's "paternity" of the child. I guess now that he knew he had handcuffs on me he didn’t feel the need to act anymore. Trying to do the right thing for everyone, especially those most vulnerable. This is scary business. If I get angry with my Daughter – and send her to her room for example – She calls her Dad who then calls the police on me. Because of my severe sensitivities, I sleep in a faraday canopy to block out the things that cause my headaches and sleep disruption. My daughter loves me, but she is not above manipulating things with her Dad to get what she wants (even his attention). They know that this “soft” abuse is difficult to litigate. Resist the urge to drop routines and spoil kids upset about a divorce by letting them break rules or not enforcing limits. Rumination can be self destructive – think of those thoughts as planes circling the airport. NIce Guy says, they “Churn the File”–which means they charge and argue and charge just to settle, but THEY make money at a handsome hourly rate. They are busy, they want cut to the chase information – are there custody issues? Let me help you get better so you can stop hurting your child” All this, of course, when you aren’t hurting your child. Come back and tell us what you see …Best, Ann I think part of our issue is that 1. They do not want her to tell them he is a narcissist or has any other personality disorder. Easier said than done I know. This is being smart. I have never withheld visitation from the girls and have encouraged the girls to see their father, but only if they are comfortable. T’he betrayal and abuse endured during the relationship have far reaching effects. They love your emotional reaction. Best, Ann i’ve been married for three months to a man that i’ve been friend with for 20+ years. I’m in a constant battle over child custody with my narcisstic ex husband. Give kids enough information to prepare them for any upcoming changes in their lives. I do not feel bad because my son is strong and I have a beautiful Grandaughter I have been married to a narcissist for 4 years now. He uses anything he can to manipulate and control every situation, even if it’s to the detriment of our daughter! He has said horrible things to the kids to berate me and make me look inadequate in their eyes. I do hope it works with your daughter and eventually with your son. My ex did this so many times and I’m ashamed of how many times I fell for it. 2. The thing about a Narcisstic relationship – besides the crazy abuse – It is a loss of personal power, and feeling that you have no control over your life, because you never know what is around the corner. Everyone deserves to have rights, but how is it that they’re rights seem to be more important than the victims rights? So, I agree about nor engaging. He’s actually fathered another child recently with another woman he isn’t in a relationship with and even went to the extreme of telling me that this was my wake up call to go back to him. If you don’t know how to do all this research, get some help. My order states we are ONLY to communicate via this website. As his wife and previously girlfriend all through college he had for years convinced me that I was stupid and undesirable and was unable to make any rational decisions about anything. The sad part is that the love “has” been there for many years, up until the last few years when our 2 oldest came into the teens and became more physically violent and lower functioning. I’m not blaming them for any of this, because we our adults and knew that it was going to be difficult with our children. If you are facing a potential child support issue or dispute, whether due to divorce or as a single parent, a family law lawyer can help by fairly and zealously representing either side in a child support proceeding. You used it wisely and your message is a good one – thanks for sharing it. After explaining to the judge that my husband was a N and showed him the numerous email he realised I was being emotionally abused and took out a two year specific intervention out. Before we got married he was a in knight in shining armor. They already know what he can be like and how he can turn on them suddently…so what will divorced family and organizing homework they do without me there to protect them when he gets some form of custody? In general, like all aspects of a divorce -- including property division, child support, financial division, and spousal support (alimony) -- child custody and visitation will either be decided by agreement between the divorcing couple (usually with the help of attorneys and mediators) or by the court. Of course, we all share situations, so it is good to remind ourselves and each other that we are not alone. He would never let me develop my talents and it was a very unhappy marriage. He ended the affair and agreed to attend counselling to stop me from leaving. “Yes, I am chemically sensitive. Had his address on it. But learn some techniques to relax – try EFT – worked wonders for my anxiety. To please talk to his dad into letting him come home. I’m always up for constructive criticism and learning new things to help my character. He blamed it all on his first wife and then later on me. It works – try it. That was it-I realized that I couldn’t live this life anymore so I planned my escape. Our daughter is 14, and in the past 4 years – He uses her as an excuse to attack me, because that is the only contact that I have with him. When I told him that the wifi and cell phones made me sick–he beagn a camapign against me to say taht I am crazy. They will do anything to drag you in or manipulate your feelings and thought processes. Narcissism can be very expensive. I also worry about the impact of such a strident narcissist on his formation in the years since contact was severed. He cares not of the $ wasted on ridiculous antics- only that he’s taking away from my quality of life and my bank account. Similarly, the amount can be reduced if the circumstances justify the reduction. Remain drama free and unemotional. I just hope that one day my life will look different. I didn’t think much of it at first? My brother whom I do not talk to that often was and is a narcissts. Too bad she got layed off.. After those 6 years of abuse and him not allowing me to see friends, go to college, have any access to finances, etc. But everyone has something to protect. I understand your daughter is emotional but the one thing she must do right now is keep her emotions under control so he doesn’t come across looking like the most normal thing on the planet when he isn’t. Just lost my faith in them.. You can do this. Receiving party has to arrive 10 minutes before exchange and wait in lobby. How does that work? He brought the letter to court. So sorry to hear this story. You are taking his word for everything. Get online and look at the classes these court related people need to take and use the outline in your own talks with them. I’m a therapist and know personality disorders well. I took her to a therapist and called this therapist when I was sure I was going to leave. My oldest son has already broken ties with his father and refuses contact. I gained too much weight when I was pregnant and didn’t take care of myself, so what is a guy like him supposed to do? Then when i moved into my own house he took out a restraining order on me and the judge gave him rights to my house and tried to have me kicked out of my house. Never to the point of hitting me, of course. Enjoy the journey forward! I put them on the plane and stayed an extra day. I recommend finding a therapist that specializes in Narc abuse. My primary concern is working through this dissolution process, making sure I’m in a stable spot and making sure my kids are taken care of so they don’t feel like it’s their fault or abandoned by either one of us and no matter what they are loved. We got married to quick with the wrong intentions. Yes, this is all too familiar and unfortunate that the family courts do not protect the victims. While our daughter got her Masters’ after marriage, she was a stay at home mom for almost 8 years (2 children) and has no experience in her field. So she would take that and run with it, trying to get every service in town and living at a lower income so ins would be state paid and limited our income a low. You are on the other side of the divorce – don’t look back. I have nothing more to give. Practice a good opening sentence that gets attention and have evidence to back it up. I could not care less if he is offended. Gaslighting is their forte. Don’t devolve into a drama mama no matter how much you want to do so. I guess I am wondering if anyone has recommendations for this situation – divorcing a narcissistic lawyer representing himself. Anyway, i already know this will get worse and before it does, i have decided that i will just get a divorce. Even if one spouse bought the car with his or her wages, was the only driver, and held title to the car, the car still is marital property because payments came from marital funds. He was deferential to me, did nothing for my husband, and it was a joy to watch him under the microscope. I got sick–multiple chemical sensitivity and electrosensitivity–about 10 motnhs ago. I would type my “response” texts and hold on to them for a day, it was easier to put things into perspective by waiting and then just simply delete. Ask if they can handle tough cases. Only advice is if you see a narcissist run like hell. I know you can. After reading all the stories here, I realize, once again, how lucky I was in our divorce. But you can keep the love alive with a memory book, a journal of your thoughts, letters sent and unsent, a blog dedicated to him, an ebook, a video series, a video collection of pics with music, – anything to show him the love has always been there. But it isn’t easy to hear the manipulative words and be a scapegoat. He always provided and supplied materially to maintain control. As my therapist (our therapist actually)told me – he will NEVER give up the business as long as he continues to get recognition for it (articles, name on menu, interviews, consults). My ex spouse and his attorney found out through my attorney that I was fixing to file for divorce. I lose a lot of sleep over this and have cried many tears. It's natural that you'll be concerned about how a child is coping with this change. Courts do not understand this simple concept and tend to believe what the alienating parent says. He doesn’t want her, he just knows the only way to hurt me is through her. That way, even if you do not hire them, neither can your spouse. They really all are the same person. (She ended up having an affair with a co-worker last September because she thought we were done. I was so cautious but ONCE I began to trust then everthing slowly began to change. It is all about her. He is a millionaire and I have experienced corruption and the worst aspects of human nature i have survived for the last four years. Thanks for this incredible tale of your move from victim to conqueror. So I moved into the apartment I had rented (I signed the lease without telling him about it, which was smart, but I never should have left my home) and in the 2 weeks the courts gave me to move my things out of the house, I took every important document or financial record with me. I hope I will not get too screwed on the settlement, but wait and see. It backfired on him and the judge agreed to my request for the police station lobby exchange. G) like to hear. After this, he filed a motion citing these two instances and asking for custody. I was labeled insane , crazy and who knows what. This feeling of power will translate to your feelings and behavior. When you have time listen to a song by Whitney Houston “I didn’t know my own strength”, it really helps!!!! We both had expectations that were not achievable with both of us beating our heads together to get our way with one another. I always held on to a thread of hope that he would change. But you are important and you have given much. ) When I finally reacted and yelled at him, he recorded it and then went to the police, claiming the help race essay I also hit him. How can I protect myself and my reputation? You can do this… Best to you, Ann After reading all of this, I am shocked. The Equal Credit Opportunity Act requires a creditor to take into account any information showing that the credit history being considered does not reflect your own. There is no cost and they are not agents, which is good – they actually have a different kind of power. I was so devastated that I wanted to die. There is so much I could tell you but it would take forever. I saw a checklist on a show and he was a textbook example of a narcissist and that is when I began to see the light and gained a better understanding of what and who I was dealing with and began to take action. Even what we had for dinner where did we go? Their dad can say whatever he wants about me but he will never take away the safe,happy, and secure environment I have created. I don’t think I could have followed through without her! Every Tuesday evening she holds a free phone seminar. I never quit my job the way he wanted me to so that I could stay home with the kids, thus never lost my independence. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. How we would be love birds have a marital argument and then to him we were complete enemies. I have learned unsurmountable patience the hard way. He actually lied under oath and admitted it to me. You are just an intrument to be used in anyway to make them feel superior, godlike, loved, like, etc. From the start, do not allow the lawyers to fight with each other. When the things that used to work no longer do, they will try something else. However, within a few months of our son’s birth, she was contacted by a previous boyfriend and she became a seemingly different person almost overnight. I am not divorcing a narcissist, but I have ended a 10 year relationship with a narcissist and it is pure hell. Do not tell details not germane to your story. It was that day that he told me not to come home. I’d never heard of this personality type, never experienced it, and certainly have NEVER been the object of such hatred and contempt. They often give away lots of good information (family lawyer sites). If the husband were to pay the wife $20,000 per year in alimony, his taxable income would drop to $50,000, and the wife's taxable income would increase to $30,000. For now I have tried every avenue but he is appealing to take them away from me for the 5th time in a new appeal. And call dss. So I did. It was insane. A phrase referring to the classical psychoanalytic understanding of the analyst and patient being distinctly separate people with the analyst in possession of objective knowledge about the patient that is in part it to her or him the interpretation and other interventions. He then continued on the destructive path of trying to destroy me, emotionally and financially. He has the money, the power, the support (his family moved to this area to be close to him). Find a way of contextualizing the abuse so you are believed and not shined on. My 23 year old is still coming out with effects of this dysfunctional nightmare. Secret tip: every psychopath was once a former empath… pushed too far by at least one specific close-range narcissist. It was a long hard marriage, and a long hard divorce. EVEN MY EX-WIFE…AND YET UNTIL THEY RETURN TO AGAIN ATTACK ME IM WILLING TO BE ME TILL I CALL MY LIFE OVER…. It's important to maintain as much normalcy as possible after a divorce by keeping regular routines, including mealtimes, house rules about behavior, and discipline. Everyday was like that because we never knew what was going to set either one of boys off and then having to restrain or possibly even medicate them. Thanks for being a voice to this issue. Home started to be a non safe spot bc every time I would come home, the complaining would start and I was never enough to the family bc all I ever did was work. The very wise therapist, after meeting with him, shared with me that I was married to a narccisist. They are feeding off of your soul. It was “all of a sudden” my friends were bad influences…no good for me-but, unfortunately, I allowed him to control me. I plan to ask the courts to order our family wizard to help but I know that I have a long road ahead. She told me she should not have married my son. Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teen's well-being and indicate the need for outside help. I would find out about it and confront him and he would rage against me as if I had done something to him! He moved me here, and slowly ostracized me to the point that I have only one person I can call a close friend. Nobody does anything right but him and I am the lowest and the dumbest of them all. But as these posts tell us, fair is not a word known to them. So it's vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance. To make a VERY long story short, we saw a sex addiction therapist together which ultimately made me realize he would never take responsibility for his actions. A family law lawyer will work to obtain the best possible result in the entry of a child support order, enforcement of an existing order, or in establishing or disproving paternity. Finally after two years of him pushing for us to have sex together with other people I said absolutely NO. ” And you’ve arrived at a new, safer, place without him, where things get better. Plan, strategize, and be covert about everything. Hes even got my kids school giving him rights to do things for my kids that he should not be able to do. They know what kind of monster he is and will be so happy to be rid of him and won’t want to talk to him. Some of it was needed, however, we should have both been working and providing. You didn’t see the signs? I initiated the divorce because of the emotional and verbal abuse, and because the less I responded to it the more enraged and physical he became. I am doing so much work in the background and my ex does not know anything about it. Whats really hard that she was a friend to me and I thought he was my soulmate. I hired an aggressive attorney and no more emotions. You can check out an article I wrote right after our divorce on abuse in affluent communities. With 3 kids and 3 dogs Great advise, my daughter has gone through this and since the ex has remarried a lawyer and they are now driving her mad with their using the child to control and abuse. If your child is comfortable, they will not only be more productive, they will be able to avoid repetitive strain injuries,” says Kumar. Nothing more. This is what I needed to hear, so I started making plans (before telling him). Evelyn, you have been traumatized. As things escalated in the past four years he tried to alienate me from our children, my family and friends. This gives him time to drain the bank accounts, change documents. He has been an mostly absent Dad seeing our daughter only a few times a month. My ex husband is on law enforcement and he abused this on a daily base. I’m in the middle of a year and a half divorce. I just divorced a narcissist. Sounds extreme, but it works. When i did he had me locked up for something i didnt do. She is the most obnoxious person I have ever met. He has a fierce need to regain power and control. When the end came, in dramatic fashion (he was arrested for trying to choke me), I was at least a little prepared. How dare me? You were like us when we were small, and trust me, it’s narcissist parents every time who turn you into us. As soon as we got married, the verbal abuse began. I want this nightmare over. The current court order states the kids are to see me every other weekend from friday to sunday and if they wish not to visit, they are to text or call me. But he seemed to want to torture me. He protested and the judge asked him why he wouldn’t agreee, it was the perfect solution since he claimed I was so crazy at exchanges and this protected everyone. I have not done a good job ignoring him, he still pushes my buttons, I still fall for the temporary moments of niceness and rationality, that are inevitably followed by mean, spiteful behavior. I will listen to the song you suggested. In the 7th year, our son was born. He is conning you. This is a great book for times like this – written by an attorney about divorcing a spouse with a personality disorder – SPLITTING by Wm. He also gets very upset if anyone disagrees with him. I was the knight in shining armor when we met. The cops never did help me get away from him. Reading all these posts, I can see I did a few things right when planning to leave my ex, but am still doing a few things wrong. Interview attorneys and make a plan before you tell your spouse what you are doing. He wanted the world to see him as a devoted husband, father, and christian. Best, Ann I messed up and put my faith in the system and my attorney who mislead me into waiting it out to be sure I wanted to go through with it. My oldest son was 6 and my youngest was 2 at the time. She’s my heart and I am so scared for her. It’s tough, but not impossible to prevail. They are masters at deception and projection. I couldn’t afford to go to therapy but I had to make it a priority. I always felt something was totally off about him so I started looking things up and I ran into narcissism and have read all about it. I agree with all of you. You may claim the deduction on line 34a of Form 1040. He moved me every 4-5 years (firstly from my country I was born) so I’d lose contact with family and friends. It’s sad that Narcissists are so selfish they will hurt their children for so many years. Finding local help that understands what he is doing would be most beneficial. I wonder should I tell him I called it off and that I still want to be with him until court day? I got her out of this crap situation. It’s something to look forward to…kids (and everyone likes to look forward to something exciting in the future). How dare I not be understanding to the fact that he needs all of these other women to make him feel better about himself? But he continues to make sure I know that he is trained in defense, and throws things (sometimes at me, but he always “misses on purpose”) to make a point. They need to cut ALL communication with him too. He is a monster! Make the decision you are the most important person on the planet for the next month and make everything you do be all about you. I am proud of myself for the strength I have developed having to go through this obstacle in life. When you hire a lawyer, do not tell your spouse immediately. “Agree” is impossible for us and means my kids miss out. You cannot get revenge. And not be scared of him hurting me or my children. Amazing story. He has a way of putting you down but make you think it was your own low self esteem. Be very thankful you are out and free. That is what I was taught. I am always prepared for what he might do next and I will never ever trust him. If he isn’t playing fair, all bets are off. It’s the only relationship that we have known for 18 years, so it feels weird not to be by her. I believe that once you realize what and who you are dealing with, you must imagine yourself in a real battle, because this person is indeed your mortal enemy and what is at stake is your happiness, your peace and serenity, and your sanity. He tells everyone that I am a liar. They are charming and deceitful. The accusations they make against you can be sooo hurtful, and beware anything you shared in your past will now be used against you. I refuse to ever argue back, i just keep calm and listen, attentively. I think you need to go to the police, the district attorney or legal aid and tell them you are in danger. So much of what I read on this site fits her situation, while no physical abuse, lots of mental abuse. Ideally, kids benefit most from consistent support from both parents, but they may resist equal time-sharing if it interrupts school or their social lives. Now after 10 years I don’t even recognize him. I am a regular devoted mom who has dveloped environmental sensitivites and just happen to be married to a narcissist. I had proof of child abuse, proof of him cleaning out my account out. My husband of nearly eight years and I are currently about to undergo a divorce. Abide by the no contact rule, it is the only part that kept me sane and him miserable. No more loans – either be successful in the business or give it up. 1) The longest divorce. Don’t I realize how lucky I am to have him when hot women are always hitting on him? I had no idea he had NPD at the time. And guess what. He wanted to give me nothing. He may try and manipulate them “oh poor daddy is so lonely, I need you”, but your kids are smarter and stronger than you think. I have nowhere to go. I’ve recommended it to others who’ve requsted it be a part of their custody orders as well. In structural family therapy, a facilitating intervention in which the family is induced by the therapist to enact or play out its relationship patterns spontaneously during a therapeutic session, allowing the therapist to observe and ultimately to develop a plan or new set of rules for restructuring future transactions. He is sweeping in a grocery store and bagging food. We finally had to convert to a chapter 7 and lost everything including our home and my beloved farm animals. We don’t know what she did and can’t fight the unknowns. An incredible story. He tells me it is so unfair that I get to get child support when I am the one who will have the children. For example: we have 2 children, he uses them as pawns, and we are required (by temp order) to agree on activities we enroll them in and to split payment. He is losing his hair and his testesterone. Be proactive. He knows how to put us both through hoops, make us perform so that he looks good. He thinks of anything he can to try and tear me apart in court and make me look bad. He won! A lot of women has ran from him Fast…Good girls… My son married a Narcissist. We have no parenting plan so I have to be creative in keeping the girls as he does not want to return them. It’s over!!! He suddenly has come up with money to fight me and has manipulated his employer in allowing him to work from home now. I’m moving because I can’t afford the place we live now. Or, “You need to be more of a man and not so wussy. Well, he has proven true on that and he won’t even engage in any type of normal non-confrontational communication with me since I filed. He always tries to punish and hurt me for being mad at him for his abuse. I can’t find anything available that I can afford, and I live over an hour and a half away from my family. I won big time. Don’t even reply or acknowledge. He got an attorney first, filed and moved out. We have a 12 year old daughter together. All they want is for you to be continue to be their HOSTAGE. We do have one child together and if it were not for my child I would be but a mere memory to this person because I would have left the relationship and the area even sooner and would have never tolerated any of his emotional abuse, temper tantrums and control. Im scared for my life if i keep staying here. I am 63, disabled by very limited driving ability and little income. He is not emotionally healthy and you cannot reason with the unreasonable. He would write me letters telling me how disappointed in me he was – I wasn’t doing a good enough job raising our 4 sons and working in the business. Luckily I have found a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse and will begin to see her soon. I promise. If your spouse's poor credit hurts your credit record, you may be able to separate yourself from the spouse’s information on your credit report. You’d be surprised how much you can do for yourself if you try. I think what you have done here is really helpful and thank you for it! At another exchange, I went to take my daughter from him, he held onto her, and wouldn’t let go. That lives for her children. The best thing to do is to not say a thing to him, get your finances and support system silently in place. The stories I could tell you, would blow your mind. As the years progressed, things started to change though. She has siblings but they were ignored. One of his lies … he refuses to cooperate with the child support. The woman my ex was dating was very sweet and typically this will be case for the narc. The problem is that it is almost impossible not to engage when we coparent. These things don’t even concern me but I am tired of being hurt and anxious because he feels the need to try and hurt be to feel like he has the upperhand. Ihave no family that will help me get out. I was in your shoes a year ago. I dont know. I didn’t allow the children to spend the night with him. FIND THEM and USE THEM. Fight for it, because they want it and do not want you to have any of it, although it does belong to you, that’s how selfish they are.. Which lead to my house being broke into and ran sacked trying to find my evidence against him. Instead of using direct deposit, he will try to walk it to my mail box and put it in, even if I am standing on the front porch. I too have been married for 25+ years and am having the WORST time coming to grips with the idea that I have lived for that number of years with a man–whom I loved & built my life around–who now loathes and hates me (he makes faces of rage at me! But I listened to my therapist and let her guide me. I once worked on a case where the attorney’s were fueling a fight over who got the seven dollar “CandyLand” game. And now im being threatened if I go to that state id be arrested, and to pay a large amount of money I dont have plus a weekly high amount that they went up on… I have nothing else for them to take. It was always high school drama,”He said, she said crap. They don’t care and aren’t really fighting, its called posturing so they get your money. I used “the bad one” as my name because that is how he portrays me to everyone. He will deplete assets to pay attorneys to continue the battle ad nauseum. I can understand that you are traumatized and everything is harder in that condition. Was wearing fake eyelashes. I cc:ed him on the complaint and he had to be nice to me while under investigation. I was a jock in high school, I made friends easily, and had an easy going attitude. So the cop got the judge to give me my house back. I have not heard from them in 4 months because after the first month i emailed him and his attorney (i am pro per cuz im broke now) asking why i havnt heard from them which produced a text from both kids at the same time stating “Leave us alone” we are happy here and we will call you when we want to see you. And learn the family law code for your state – it has remedies for his actions but they have to be put into place to make a difference. NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH. Well, I told him not to go near the mailbox and bring the check to me. The system, and the laws…my exspouse would park in his vehicle and watch me, followed me, and have me followed, sneek up peeking in my windows before sun rise, and was caught several times. Mr. Wonderful”, he has been successful at convincing some people in our religious organization that I am the problem. There are lots of examples like this – it has been THE WORST – I know all about his narcisstic behaviour and can predict his reaction. I got my degree, a great job, my own home and car, and stopped letting him continue to manipulate me-it infuriated him and led to the issues with our daughter but I still have to believe it was the best thing to do. Best to you, Ann My ex – we have been divorced since 2001, and it still goes on and on. So sorry for your illness. Ns will stop at nothing to “get” something on you, so protect yourself in all ways possible. Taking your life is not the answer. If title to the car is only in the wife's name or only in the husband's name, the car still is marital property because payments for the car came from marital funds (their wages). While I waited and tried to pretend as things were normal.. If your daughter is seeing custody evaluators or has to talk to them learn what they want to hear. I’m going to have to find a way to make something work financially, because I can’t put myself through this craziness on an indefinite basis. The judge, a woman, ended up eliminating any visitation schedule and ruled that visitation would be when both parties agreed. Plan, plan, plan. It will be like a ripple in a pond and help so many others. After when abuse charges had been filed he used tex messages to say it was during rough sex. He is sooo angry with me still about having arrested and placing him in rehab. I divorced when I saw the writing on the wall and I felt like I’d rather be living in hell on my own terms, than living in hell on his terms. Unbelievable! Thank you for sharing this information with us. I guess I just thought if we started slowly from where we started when we met? You deserve all the peace you earned for you and the kids. When we moved, they both started communicating with him but when he filed for full custody and contempt (he counter filed my motion to modify visitation). I guess none of us in this particular situation are expecting fair which is what scares me. LOVE your children and provide emotional security for them. ” “I am handling it just fine and my doctor agrees with me. They did an investigation and claimed I was retaliating, even though my son told the Case work. , it took 9 years after the divorce for me to stand up to the continued attacks from him and to take my life back. This will go a long way. You did a lot right. The creditor cannot require your spouse's or former spouse's signature to access his credit file if you are using his information to qualify for credit. ) A multigenerational approach that uses therapy to address both individual and family relational patterns. He does something, usually with a lawyer or putting my kids in the middle, and i let it get to me! One suggestion I have, which I used, was to get the help of an Ombudsman for your IRS issues. I even filed no-fault irreconciilble differences just so we won’t have to fight anything. I was lost-I had no self worth, isolated from my family—I had nowhere to turn. I have a great career as an RN but he met me when I was 23 going to school. The same goes for my ex-wife as well. I should have taken every single thing of value, every thing I wanted, but I didn’t, and I’ve been fighting with him for 2 years to divide our things up fairly. Long story short. ” Show a willingness to co-parent. She became insulting for no particular reason and thought it was acceptable for the ex-boyfriend to keep phoning our home from abroad. Always. I was married to a N for 17 years before I filed for divorce. The divorce is not going easily, he wants everything and argues about how I should not be entitled even to my own pension. I keep my mouth shut and wait. They found out I spoken to DHS and while I was at work I got served an ex parte order. He went through a lot of women. This is why murderous family suicides happen. Be happy it was she, not you. Why did it take a letter from him and his mom? Giving her unconditional love to make sure she is satisfied, safe and content. I got both. Your story is complet Déjà vu sounds like you had a great Family Judge my judge was not at all understanding and did not bother to read my documents, thankfully the court appointed physiologist saw straight through him and read all the medical reports on his past behavour and she mad all the right recommondations, otherwise I would have been screwed. I am an educated articulate woman but he makes me feel like trash. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your kids. In that time period I cannot even begin to express what happened. Anyway so here I am, I live only 5 miles down the road. ” Be direct, calm, and act in charge. I had to laugh at the comment about the salt and pepper shakers – it resonates with my own experience about wicker baskets – but also is a window into the world of the narcissist both sad and frightening. He always said I was crazy and I believed him and took all of the blame. They think it shows the other in a better light. And at the very end, because I did not have enough money to go to trial, and I was so beaten down and exhausted, I even gave him my refrigerator AND I delivered it! Are You The Victim Of A Liar? All the other rubbish that normally happens before the MSA is just a phony process to get to the same thing that’s gonna happen, a settlement sit down. We did counseling on and off since we were married and most times the end result was me having to do the extra therapies bc I was always the one with issues. He just turned. Just reading this makes me sick to my stomach. But most importantly, BE PROUD of yourself for making the break, choosing to live an authentic life. I just saw Christie Brinkley do an interview on The Today Show about divorcing a narcissist. BTW, you have no idea if she is lying about him, do you? Best, Ann I knew my husband was controlling, but thought I could manage him. I hope all is okay with you, I was worried when I read your post. Forget the child and my son. This is not a case of a woman scorned, or my husband cheated on my and I need vengeance. You are a victim of a criminal – do not think poorly of yourself, but of him. It was always, and continues to be, he’s the victim-why did I make him do those things? I bought a gun and after telling him 20 times to leave my house and the law not doing anything to him for harrassing me and threating me for months i finnally pulled a gun on him. It is way too expensive and they have no training!! Being called crazy for conditions like this is nothing new, but you need to prepare for it. He is the abusive peorson who is cheating and looks at porn–I am the devoted mom eho teaches the kids about hte bible and does everything for themm–and somehow he is the ‘good guy’? Let him have fun, laugh, enjoy life and feel comfortable. It went on and on….. He doesn’t care at all about he kids except for the show of it. I have very little in savings. Pleeeease find every nasty attorney and interview them Don’t HIRE THEM–just INTERVIEW them or someone in their firm. She was put in an adult role very young to help raise her younger siblings while her mom was not around which helped her mature quicker, where I was always enabled by my parents and had never lived on my own and had not been very responsible with being more of a grown-up. My issue is his parents make a fair amount and funny enough they are very intrusive in our life & he has a brother who was A GOLDEN CHILD that they paid for college and didn’t have to help with family business. The lies will be bolder and he may manipulate with more intensity. I too was moved to another state away from family and friends and fell like it was completely planned by essays in philosophy him. It's hard to maintain your role as a parent when going through any kind of emotional turmoil. Why didnt my daughter just tell the therapist herself? I don’t know what she has said to him to poison him against me but he ignores me now. “Sometimes my husband can be a jerk, or write college application letter difficult. I know I cannot trust him on anything, and it is hard to anticipate what he will do next. ) I forgave her for that, I had been partially responsible for that because I wasn’t talking much to her in the beginning of the break bc of the way she would treat me, even though she was the one that asked me to leave. Should he be required to provide written reason why they cannot participate in activity? How is it that they can text those messages to us and threaten us and there is no way of holding them accountable? His sense of entitlement is boundless and you will be maligned and disparaged and anything, any crumb you get will be too much for you. He completely controlled me-the finances, the decision making, even the grocery shopping-I wasn’t allowed to go to the market to grocery shop. I know he will fight me. 00 sunglasses.. It hurts at first, sure but the kids see through positive actions and reinforcements on my behalf that no matter what- things will always be good and safe here with mom. ) Once a judge realizes this has occurred, the party claiming violence may be asked to vacate the home, and the judge may be biased against him or her during future negotiations. He definitely didn’t like it when a woman was promoted over him. Resist such urges — mothers and fathers should work hard to keep their parental roles in place. The same reserve I used when I sat and listened to his insults, and temper tantrums is the same reserve I use now, I simply keep my mouth shut about everything and plan to be free of him. How do I contact u? He is lying, forging my signature, hiding money, and trying to deny custody. Thank you! I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. I was constantly looking over my shoulder in fear. SO WHAT? Game system? You should feel free to lavish affection on them — kids don't get spoiled by too many hugs or comforting words — but buying things to replace love or allowing kids to act any way they want is not in their best interests and you may have a hard time trying to reign them back in once the dust settles. I have been going through a divorce for almost three long, grueling years. You do not have to itemize deductions to claim your alimony payments. You have come far – I know I speak for many when I say, “we are all proud of you”. ” Look reasonable. (If we happen to miss his call) and….. This Act provides the mechanisms by which a support order issued in one state can by enforced by the courts of another state. My anxiety and panic attacks have been in full force since he popped back up. He uses his lawyer to make my life hell. My heart and best wishes go out to all of you. I had an exceptionally close relationship with my son during these early years. I don’t know what to do. For this reason, resolution of custody and visitation may be more simplified for unmarried parents. ”. He is so accusing, threatening, and he is spreading lies about me – anything he can do to make divorced family and organizing homework it look to others like he is completely blameless. Was going to flee state w my son and hook up w that felon. Tomorrow I will be forced to move in my daughter’s room, as he has a male roommate (one of his students) moving in. I’m four years out from leaving and subsequently divorcing an incredibly abusive narcissist I was married to for 25 years. Your comeback to empowerment through education is one I hear at times – congratulations on this. I feel sorry for is new wife. If I fight, I’m “crazy”. He took my medical conditions nd has totaly turned it around to make me crazy. So he knows the system very well. I now despair about ever being able to meet my son again as she is determined to ensure that he has no contact with me and appears to be succeeding. I MISS MY FAMILY,EVEN THO THEY ARE GREEDY AND SELFISH….. I sent presents and cards but feel certain that he never receives these. It has been 4 years, my battle in court has been a joke. I have half custody of my boys but it’s so painful – they come home subdued, confused neglected and I can do very little. I asked if the porn was a problem since he was on the computer every night until around 3am. The law locked me up again. I see it in everything he does. And still I stayed… I stayed even after I found out about “her” visiting his “business” garage behind our house while I was IN the house recouping from CHEMO. I thought these people were serial killers. Our anniversary)…He forced my sons out of their daycare as the caretaker refused to deal with him anymore—refused to pay child support for over a year-wouldnt carry us on his health care-wouldn’t give me one of the 3 cars we had in the driveway, forget about the house—hahahaha…no, nothing. (Some people have resorted to this extreme tactic. They will keep on trying, and things will get more and more outlandish and crazy. It does get better. I had lived with this man for 23 years. He knew and loved me until he was 8, but I wonder now whether he will ever want to see me again. They have no benevolent motives. ” I now know how true those words were and are. I went in front of the judge and told him I wanted nothing, not a thing, just get me out of this marriage. He wouldn’t let us have any of our belongings (they all mysteriously burned up in our garage which caught fire, on what day? When I was married to my ex he constantly threatened to do things to me. Was it easy ? If you can, use digital camcorders to film them having fun, nothing hurts Ns more than material evidence to disprove the lies. When I respond by getting angry enough to cry he gets a smirk of satisfaction on his face. Because he is not there fatheri wish i could find help to get away. Even when your divorce is over, it’s not over to them (especially with kids). T When the non-custodial parent moves to another state, the custodial parent may have to rely on the Revised Uniform Reciprocal Enforcement of Support Act to implement or ensure payment of child support. We stayed gone for 3 weeks, during which time I couldn’t get him to commit to move out. Huh? Their combined federal income tax payments then would be $15,720 ($10,660 by husband and $5,060 by wife). I am hoping that when this divorce is all over, I will be a survivor. I thought I was the hero? Your ex cannot hire them then–it would be a conflict of interest, unethical and punishable by the lawyers board of professional responsibility. (That may or may not be an advantage, depending on the cost of fighting over what is "equitable" and one's faith in judges to make fair decisions regarding property. Ask who the “pit bull” lawyers are so you can interview them. So yes, the love has gone. 2) The most complicated divorce. The reason for the savings is that additional income to the wife (in the form of alimony) will be taxed at a lower rate than if it was treated as income to the husband. Begging me to get him home w me. A therapeutic perspective, regardless of theoretical persuasion, that examines the impact of gender socialization on the out-looks, attitudes, behaviors, and interpersonal relation-ships of men and women; its aim is to empower clients to make sexist-free role choices rather than be limited by roles determined by their biological status as male or female. On his 21st birthday, went right to court to have his obligation to pay child support stopped so he didnt have to assist with his son any longer. And this is someone that I had known for 30 years on my Church. He spent 25K on trying to rub my nose in a lie. That they tear their families to shred. Fortunately I never had children with this person, but he was terrible to my son. She had a good job making megamoney.. Interesting that Christe Brinkley wants the same thing. After 2 visits, she told me that she rarely recommended this to anyone, but after talking with me, she recommended I divorce. I even stayed when he told me it would be cheaper for me to die than to pay for my health insurance deductibles. It has become clear now to our judge that this is not a “it takes two to tango” case, as the communication thorugh the website clearly shows differently. You WILL get through this. I didn’t want them at home when all this was going on because I knew it would be crazy. I warn anybody he is reading this and thinks they are dealing with a N or feels confident and can’t leave to LEAVE!!!! It took me a long time but I now understand. Because joint custody requires a high degree of cooperation between the parents, courts are reluctant to order joint custody unless both parents are in agreement and can demonstrate the ability to make joint decisions and cooperate for the child's sake. I quietly funneled cash into a secret savings account, got a very reliable car, paid it off, consulted with a divorce attorney on legal issues. You have rights to financial security from that partnership, just as if Hewlett and Packard was breaking up. Nonetheless, if the property in question is marital property, the judge has the power to give it to either party. It never sounds like he means it. Just made things worse. Being FREE of someone with NPD is the greatest gift of all. Financial Planner, (he calls himself The Plan Man), took both of our homes, 3 out of 4 cars, all the furniture in the home he ran his business out of, came and took the patio furniture I took when I moved out of our home. It always appeared that he was fair, but in reality he controlled all of the money, his power over me, because he had his own business and I did not sign on the account. I eventually made the mistake of telling him I want a divorce. I rarely see anyone do everything so absolutely right in exiting a marriage fraught with as much potential danger for years of high conflict litigation as you did. Consistency in routine and discipline across the households is important. More specifically, custody and visitation decisions are typically resolved in one of two main ways in a divorce: But, unlike divorcing couples, unmarried parents will not need to resolve any potentially complicated (and contentious) divorce-related issues such as division of property and payment of spousal support, so the decision-making process is focused almost exclusively on child custody. Tell kids who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. Then he left his state job to start his own business. She had a tummy tuck surgery at age 44 and she was already a size 8. Take care of you for now. He is now 15. I was married to a narcissist for 8 years. In the past 9 years, I’ve been through 2 custody battles (because I had the audacity to file for child support) it was 2 years ago, during the 2nd court battle that I began research ‘personality types’. He egged me on to commit suicide by saying the children were better off to be raised by him and my ‘craziness’ as their mother would damage them. He is now buying our youngest son who has turned against me. When kids started into the picture it started to be a bandiad session to just keep things stable. Financially. I became the full-time carer of our infant son. Wish I had read this article before separating and then divorcing my narcissist ex-husband. After 5 years of debilitating treatment, I found out about an affair, and that helped me to decide to leave. This is not an issue. As the culture has changed, so that now most marriages include two wage earners, women are viewed as less dependent, and men are more likely to be primary parents, the courts and spousal support awards have kept pace. But remember this – a marriage is first and foremost an economic unit in the eyes of the law. If, however, you don't have children and you own the house together, this question gets tricky. A pension also is usually marital property, even though it may have been earned by the labor of only one spouse during the marriage. He was wonderful a Knight in Shining Armour in the beginning of the marriage. Over the last several years, I have been learning more about me and how to stand up for myself and express my emotions and feelings so that I could be heard and understood. It is one of the strongest binding contracts in the world. Im glad i came across this page, because i will be certain to keep it to myself. Down to earth guys. Four years later and now I am being pursued by the IRS for our last tax return. After our first son was born, he got crazy…I wasn’t allowed to work, he would take my car keys to work with him, he would take the phone with him…he would flip out and break our belongings if he got mad about something. Anything she wanted she got. I am glad I raised my sons upstate NY…in the mountains. Now, be very careful that you don’t get fooled again. My advice is to IGNORE him. She took a $50 kitchen cart named Rasog and kitted it out with everything her kids could possibly need to have on hand to complete their homework. That is a resource that very well might get you in contact – or at least be very helpful and supportive. Be calm. Two days after I moved in with him he “lost” his job. In between he was charming and a lot of fun, so I tended to overlook the difficult bits. Unlike the community property approach of California, however, equitable distribution states are not locked into a fifty-fifty split. I understand. I look forward to the day we don’t have to communicate about college tuition, alimony, the sale of an underwater house. I had 2 daughters – 13 and 11 years old – the age he was looking at. When they don’t get a reaction these Narcissists quickly move on to their next easy prey. And thank you ALL for the informative posts!!! I was just a determined man to make things better and succeed. That was the start of the hell I have been going through. It’s massively depressing to realize that even after the divorce, whenever that comes, even after I get my money out of him, he won’t be gone from my life. Yes, coparenting can be misery that goes on and on. I divorced a narcissist and here we are 3 years later and he is still going strong with lawyers trying to take the kids from me. Secured credit cards look and are used like regular Visa or MasterCard's, but they require a savings or money market deposit of several hundred dollars that the lender holds in case you default. I am humiliated, no self-esteem, no trust in anyone including myself and petrified of moving on with a new life out of fear of what he will try next. Doormats have wings…yes, they do! I gave the police my side of the story and left. Google Parental Alienation Syndrome, protective parents, etc – also father’s rights groups. I even wrote a letter taking all of the blame that was never sent to family and friends. He blamed it all on me. Can you see yourself with one of the women who gives you positivity? I have since left that state and put my things in storage and am living with my 82 yr old mother, my suitcase and my dog. His family gives him everything and I have a fixed income and have been the sole provider for my babies. Paying for my ex spouses wrong doings. I stayed with my husband for 20 years. With the psychopathology of the narcissist you are in for a long battle. I also suggest “Divorce Poison” by Richard Warshak, a great asset to preserve the remains of my sanity, and more importantly, to help the kids survive this hell. Nothing you say about her says you love her. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I believe it’s my freedom to live my life as I choose. I wouldn’t open my blinds in my house, I had no more money left to my name so I went to a protection facility looking for help. A secured credit card is a fairly quick and easy way to get a major credit card if you do not have a credit history. You have a right to safety and finances. If children are involved, the parent who spends the most time with the kids, or who provides their primary care, usually remains in the marital home with them. The only way to protect your children is to get out of the relationship. This is all it is, and nothing about me as a mother has changed. I made a game, my own narcissist decoder. I try to quit emotionally responding to his abuse, but that only makes it worse. Living happy and peaceful and not being in contact with my ex is “my closure,my revenge”. You’re worth it and we do care. So sorry to hear of this. Of course it is real and you need to find groups online that deal with your conditions. He is not that controlling because I don’t do anything at all ever I’m am a introvert and he his a way far out extrovert he turns everything into what he wants to do go exc…I just quit asking to do what I want cause he just puts a spin on it to find something he can fit in for himself I did have have arrested once but fearing he would close out our checking (he has done this before) I asked judge to drop charges. Can’t change the past divorced family and organizing homework but the future is longer than the past – you have years and years with him. About four years ago he went online and put an ad out to have a dicreet fling. Think about getting hit with a bat by a professional baseball player, that’s what it feels like to a narcissist when you ignore them. The courts do not like complaining parents. We only communicate via email or txt. The father can do this voluntarily, but if he does not the mother may need to bring a lawsuit to establish paternity, which is usually done using genetic (DNA) testing. My basic rights to school reports were upheld, but she continues to ignore these. I have problema believing that there is someone so evil as he was in this world. But ya know what? I for one will not go quietly into that good night. I cannot deal with his constant cheating, lying, and emotional abuse. Everybody has baggage and dysfunction of some magnitude, right? About a year ago we separated. If you held accounts jointly and they were opened before 1977 (in which case they may have been reported only in your husband's name), point them out and tell the creditor to consider them as your credit history also. Nice Guy is correct. I am very happy to hear i am not alone. After the divorce, she became our parent coordinator. I feel like i can never relax and let my guard down because as soon as i do, he strikes again! I believe she and I will rebuild ok, but i am concerned about my son. My spouse puts up with that. There are so many lies that he tells people it just infuriates me. In the military he was the 1st or 2nd in command. He was alway dissatified with me as a mother, wife, and sexual partner. And theres nothing I can do to stop this, to help him or protect him. Previous court ordered therapy between me and my 14 year old daughter who is now 17, resulted in him and his mom and girlfriend showing up at the therapists office with a letter to the therapist to read PRIOR to me and my daughter meeting and the therapist excused our session stating my daughter had “rights” and that they were not going to force therapy. But what he is doing isn’t “abuse”, nor is he being “controlling”, he is legitimately concerned about the psychological effect divorce is going to have on our daughter. Which, given, our oldest is autistic and our second has aspergers. Freedom. The use of language by a narcissist can indeed be crazy making. If you don't have children and the house is the separate property of just one spouse, that spouse has the legal right to ask the other to leave. Insist on proceeding with a settlement from the start and don’t back down from it. I ran home and my son was gone w my ex spouse, they pulled a profile off the internet and a report of a convicted felon and stated I a mother of 4 children. 3. Is a child doing things like regressing to younger behaviors, such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting? How about a bank account and let him know you are saving for a something for him – computer?? She is spread pretty thin right now, financially and emotionally. He was great to me-until we married the year I graduated high school. Wages earned during the marriage are marital property. You get one through the IRS but they do not work for them. But am I doing the wrong thing in the process? Bottom line – I am so grateful I had some kind of leverage to be able to protect my children. My reward is the divorce itself. Married 38 yrs. Continued use of the legal system may now be available to him. Immediately after getting married, on our honeymoon, things began to change. I don’t know what state you live in, but there are protections under the law. I made no difficulty for our son relating to the new marriage. Just don’t allow him to control your life as much as possible. I believe they need to learn how to have some kind of relationship with him, but it HAS to be on their terms. I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished and I know how hard it is. WHICH WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT MAY HAPPEN…BUT NEVER THE LESS IM STILL WAITING TO SEE IF I WAS EVER VALUED BY ANYONE IN MY LIFE AFTER MY EX… TALKED TO THEM ABOUT ME…. How I would just simply disagree with him on something and he would rage and break things. This is my life you are describing,but mine has been physically abusive and it has been escalating he even gave me a huge shiner in front of his parents whom are professional people. These are two things you can ask for up front that are easy to do, any maybe will spare you a court date or two. Say as little as possible when you have to communicate with him. I know not to engage with a NPD but it does create a lot of anxiety every time I get a notification. Heresy me for a young co worker and blamed me for the failure of the marriage. Although I already had an intervention order because of our daughter he was able to continue to communicate via text or email to discuss issues about her which he abused by just mentioning her in the first paragraph of pages of emails. With the support of my therapist and family I finally decided to move forward with the divorce. He’ll come across looking good. Absolutely not. He never takes responsibility for anything. He never participated with the kids growing up-if he didnt control it, he wanted no part of it. After an ugly divorce from my husband after 20 plus years my only advice is to go no contact and let the lawyers handle everything. BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. ” I finally had enough. (See two-person psychology. Must be your state. Keep quiet. The final straw was when he became overly agressive with one of our sons and threw him across the floor.  Make sure you interview several lawyers. You won’t have 20+ years of misery like I had in marriage to a narcissist. I did get a 2 year restraining order on him but have avoided reporting him violating it because I just don’t want to deal with him anymore in the court system that failed me on the gun arrest. He plays games with my emotions to see if he can get a rise out of me. Well, life is tough – I was on the road 3-4 days a week with our business and had 4 boys all between the ages of 4-12 when he really started to tell me how little I was doing. This ordeal has taught me stength and resilience. I cant even go 1 mile to the store without him going with me. I never said I wanted a divorce, even though he said it many times, usually in a drunken rage. They he lied, was abusive, and distant. No drama, no emotion. You can get it in in a nice way – for example, if you are with a court ordered evaluator say, “All kids need a dad, I want mine to be with theirs. I can’t wite my papers imagine how hard it must be for folks with kids. It's important for parents to resolve these issues themselves and not ask the kids to choose. The venture failed and we were sued and forced to file chapter 13. I couldn’t believe it! If he sends me a text message, I reply “please communicat with me via the OFW website” Prior to having this as part of our order, he’d try to engage me in conversation and then go to court and say that I said things I never said, or that he tried to engage in reasonable conversation with me and I yelled and did whatever else……. His parents drove 30 miles to buy car and 20 miles to drop off a matchbox car. It wasn’t too bad until he was turning 50, and then the occasional abuse became almost constant. For me, filing bar complaints against opposing counsel was critical. I pray my son finds a real live woman that loves him for what he is. The both of them are Narcissits. I then went to my sister’s to meet my children. I didnt drink, never did, I was the designated divorced family and organizing homework driver, so that was another use for me to be around. His clients included my family members, friends I had before our relationship, and new close friends; so I never thought he would be so ruthless. Does they seem to be acting differently than usual? Our judge ordered us to use it, and it’s been a lifesaver. I now can shut the door and have peace, not be kept awake for him to talk at me about how everything is my fault. He got a slap on the hand and only charged with misd. I have been providing since on a limited paycheck. But it will happen!! Tell the lawyer your situation. Find something that you have control over and it won’t make you feel so helpless. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel in the near future but I have to keep treading water for now. She even hates her dad too, most of the time – but He pays attention to her when she is angry with me. 125. He is well-educated, intelligent, and is a very respected man in our small community. ). Now I am in the process of divorcing him… and unfortunately, I did not know about narcissism until a about a month ago… so all my “reactions” have been wrong. My ex previously followed me home after I picked my daugher up from him, got in front of me, turned around and took a picture with his cellphone, texted me and said “stop following me or I will go to the police” I dropped my daughter off at my sister’s house and immediately went back to the police station where sure enough, he’d just filed a police report stating I was following him. The alchohol abuse has been horrific. After another year of him burning bridges with other partners I had had enough. In the end I realized if I stayed either he would kill me or I would be pushed to killing myself… neither would protect my daughter. It is sad, but he won’t care about the kids. We thankfully do not live together anymore, but when we do have contact because of our child and he finds a way to always get some insults in, I ignore him and do not engage him and keep quiet and that is how I approaching everything concerning him. I want my own place but i know whats going to happen. I am ashamed to say that I have done horrible things in an effort to save the marriage. Plan, think, take your time, research, don’t use your kid as the messenger – well, not too much. Two years later and we still are not finalized. I still plan on visiting this blog to keep learning more and ways to make sure that things stay civil between my ex and myself. While you may not be able to let your guard down it is important to get in control of your emotions so you feel better. There is no escape, because even when I’m able to leave he will still have me under his thumb. Please understand that his letter writing campaign is the act of a desperate man. Too bad baby. You can outfox them! Best, Ann I have just celebrated my 50th birthday too, and divorce and a new job all in the space of 6 months after finally getting rid of my horrible narcissist husband. My question is, how do we protect our children? A plus is that if you are in a legal battle with them, all their craziness is in writing! What i need some help with is this, i am always always shocked at the lies and antics this man pulls to destroy me, why cant he just let me be? THEN, if you have something negative to say it will be much better received. This personality disorder is one of the worst and after 25 years in the mental health field I have yet to see a treatment that works. I was letting the business go and letting myself go. This is SO wrong. Its quite pathetic. It’s been 8yrs sense my divorce and the best advice I can give to you, is this…….. No matter how bad it gets – and I am not minimizing what is going on = remain calm. I definitely agree with Mr. The mother (in this case,could be male) could, if she wanted, be the bridge between you and your son. Not engaging is the best but it will also trigger their insecurities so one must always be on guard. I’m hoping the judge in my case will, or at least believe my oldest son, who has even said he tried to get him to put visine in my drink. After reading the other posts, you can definitely see exactly what happens when he is confronted or anything negative about him is said. How do I protect meyself? They love to manipulate people into their benefit so the person feels obligated to help. Once you start texting or emailing or threatening, you’ve lost your rights because you’ve sent red flags, alerts if you will that you are a violent person who has the potential for violence. These people are out to destroy, never forget that. He made sure our court date was the furthest out he could get so he can build a case against me for custody . You attorney is a business relationship. After reading about NPD I see through everything that he does…even when he says something sweet and loving he sounds like the devil the day he deceived eve. My best advice and experience for someone in a divorce or still dealing with a narcissist ex-spouse is to NOT ENGAGE. Because the law said if they got called to my house one more time they were going to take my 2 smallest kids from me. Even though I did not engage in responding to the emails and texts and went to the police a multitude of time nothing was ever done. He always talks about having the upperhand and such. I was married for three short years. We have 2 kids together and both of them are getting older and able to see more for themselves. That’s what I would I like to know. But even then, keep it moderate at best. Is this your house too? Sometimes I feel like the craziest person in the world because everything I say and do is flipped around and used against me. Having that as a foundation you might realize as a victim you have no reason to feel humiliated. Your ex is a narc because his childhood made him that way. I did not even realize what one is until by soon- to-be ex called me a sociopath. Neither are healthy for me. Keep track of the time you talk with your attorney–so many “guess” at the length of a conversation. They are drawn to a specific type of person, (a codepend person). You are a role model for every woman in the same situation and what you have shared will be so meaningful to so many. During the preteen years, when kids become more involved with activities apart from their parents, they may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. She was spoiled as a child very bad from her mother’s side of the family. He was unemotional to me and our children. He has called child protective services on me, was physically abuse and when the police came, heconvinced them thta I was crazy! It was midnight before he finally left me alone, even though I continually told him I would not talk to him right then. Best, Ann It has taken me 41 years of being married to a narcissist to discover what he was and is. As I try to steer myself through this process, I look for various posts from people in similar situations and I regain my sanity. Use it that way. Im still stuke liveing in hell. ” She could never really hold a job bc she would always find something wrong with the company or someone that worked there. I reported to DHS. So please realize it doesnt end with a divorce with a narcissit…he made that 15 years of my life a living hell—from the time with him to even now, 15 years AFTER we divorced, he still torments me whenever he gets the chance…drags me into court for nothing…gets things ordered just to do it then doesn’t follow through—just to have some kind of control-he belittles me and his kids-the boys have a very limited relationship with him because he is so self centered and hurtful—-it is all about him. And I learned how to disengage. Please go to the victim page – you deserve to understand how ok you are and why you need to do for yourself so you can make the right decisions moving forward. After I filed a second EPO on him and left the house at midnight with the boys while he was drunk out of his mind, I came back to the house after the sheriff deputies told him that he had to leave and found notes ALL OVER the house stating “YOU WANT WAR – GAME ON. I’m also a victim and desperately trying to end a marriage. She said not unless he was looking at children. I cannot say enough how important it is to find a therapist who is highly educated in narcissistic abuse. She has made some choices though that have questioned my trust in her, especially with our kids. Do it with forethought and a calm demeanor. He lied on social media about me and has a whole group of strangers ready to want to hang me. Transfer your negatives about yourself to him where it belongs. He told me some disturbing things thats happening to him. Although California may save resources by declaring an automatic fifty-fifty split, it deprives courts of the opportunity to fine-tune property divisions to meet the needs of individual cases. So reassure kids that it's OK for them to wish that mom and dad will reunite, but also explain the finality of your decisions. Like community property states, states applying principles of equitable distribution view marriage as a shared enterprise in which both spouses usually contribute significantly to the acquisition and preservation of property. Do not talk to your ex as much as possible. And yet, as my friends tell me, I’ve given them an important gift just by leaving and rejecting the world he tried to create. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better? Through my therapist and parent coordinator, I learned to stand firmly in reality and saw him for what he was. Shortly after mediation he decided to represent himself, so his attorney fees have stopped but her’s with endless emails and now a motion continue, $3,000 in the month of January with no end in site. Nice Guy is correct. Lets move to Florida-far away from daddy…. Betty I bought and read the book mentioned above, Splitting, and it was a life-saver! Her second husband does not moderate her antagonism. I told a therapist once that what I wanted in life was PEACE. Best, Ann Evelyn- Congratulations! Afraid of the retaliation if I would ever actually file a police report when he attacks me in some manner. He used to be such a soft-hearted and kind little boy. I feel so lost right now. I have been going through a terrible custody battle for my boys with a grade A narcissist in a foreign country. Your daughter needs all the help she can get, and being overly strict right now with grandchild may not help. He met with one of the women and I found out about it. His mother is very narcissistic and has encouraged him to think that feelings for me are forbidden and contradict what she sees as an exclusive loyalty to herself. After meeting her family, I just thought they had a rough sitch. She was fooled by this narcissist as you were, and as I was by my former wife. He ended up squatting in the home we rent while also having secured a new apartment. He has gotten me where I don’t go anywhere but he goes as he pleases. He was so stupid to flaunt his new minion on Facebook. You can’t win against a Narcissist so you have to disengage and enjoy your life despite their hatred. If your kids do their homework at the kitchen table, just wheel it all away when it’s time for dinner. ” Then followed me to my car asking why I was abusing our daughter. Wherever you are at in the process, keep the faith. Calm. I learned 2 yrs ago about N…Always thought it was me! Phoney nails. My daughter calls me from a friends phone and i have to text her from my email because he has blocked number from me. I pray for him but no sympathy. It’s been 5 years since I left, and I am sad to say it has not gotten any better. He was claiming alienation (he’s an attorney but represented himself) but presented no evidence. I now treat anything to do with him like a business transaction, I too have stopped covering for him with our daughter (on advice from a divorce counselor) he used my love and maternal instinct for our child against me (I always tried to shelter her) but I found once I stepped away and said no, he had to step up or she would see the real him which he could not cope with. I have too big of a heart and weakness for making my wife happy, so I just kept telling myself to buck up and keep trying to be better. " Divorce brings numerous changes and a very real sense of loss. Be aware that time can make a difference with some narcissists and you are not necessarily doomed to his abuse for life. Narcissistic is what only a male thing and domestic violence only happens to women?? Best, Ann I only last night ran into this webpage and had a serious “Ah-ha” moment, realizing that these descriptions are exactly what I’m dealing with! If you are a parent considering divorce, or if you are already involved in the process, you are probably wondering how child custody and visitation issues are resolved in a divorce. So I made my plan. Kids see the truth, often better than we do. ) The head games with me never went away as time went on even though to me it appeared he has everything. I worked in Family Law. It provides a much needed perspective and a line to getting help. I would not bring up teaching the bible to the kids – that is a controversial statement. He couldn’t take being forced to answer the questioning about his treatment of me, so only attended 2 sessions. Calm even helps your illness. Be upfront. DO NOT sign the MSA with language you cannot live with, even if you have to be the bad guy. I WORKED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO PROVIDE FOR THEM ALL….. Amen. You will be able to move on. That we could all get along like a family and that now that he had this child we were “even,” for me leaving him. I was forced to resort to the Court to restore contact. Look up PTSD and also post traumatic growth. It has been incredibly hard – and everything that is said in these prior posts are so true. I may walk away with nothing, but I have everything. I left 6 times only to be sweet talked in to coming back. It’s amazing how much damage someone can inflict even when communication is limited to text and email (a very smart thing that I worked hard to achieve, because everything he says is documented). (The husband would pay $16,487; the wife would pay $1,504, applying the 1999 federal tax tables). Look up your state family code and learn them. I told him me and the girls were going to my sister’s house which was 1000 miles away. Hopefully, I have not “screwed” myself as a result… from here on out… IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! You may have to play some games to not get kicked out and on the sidelines. AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED …….. Nothing wrong with leveling the playing field. ) Thank you for your response. His sickness is not your responsibility and he will never change. It was horrifying. One or both of his parents are why he is the way he is. So I was trying to set healthy boundaries with me and the kids. I found that the most painful thing to a narcissist is being IGNORED. I worry about my two girls because he manipulates them any way he can. Cause the law wont help. My paychecks went in the joint account, to which I was given a $25 allowance per week to keep for me. You can request that the other person leave, but he or she doesn't have to. You can look at how far you’ve come, how much you have survived, how much you have accomplished as your own advocate, and how powerful you must seem to him for him to still come after you. Stop engaging. ” can go a lot further than anything else. Here I’ve found myself wondering EVERYDAY, how could it possibly be that we as survivors have absolutely no recourse against the verbal and threatening assaults wielded at us by these people? Best, Ann Thank you once again, Ann. False accusations were made. 4. Its not going to be easy, but it will save a lot of money and emotion. Feel the injustice and make it right by using the system. I was the sole provider. Finances are not the only consideration in custody. He had told me in the beginning of our relationship that he always “worked every situation to his advantage. That day while he was at work, I took the computer for evidence and to find out exactly what was going on. I’m tired and afraid as I have little faith in the family court system. And i dont have no where else to go with kids. If you are going through a divorce, you will want to know whether your child will live primarily with you, and if not, whether will you will be able to make important decisions as to how your child will be raised. You can google this and find out about who they are and what they can do to help you with the tax situation. Emotion and long stories are not liked by attorneys. I am just beginning to fight this battle for my mind and my freedom and all of these comments are very helpful. I made the huge mistake of thinking he would do “the right thing”, as I had heard him tell so many people to do. But it is worth it nonetheless. Theres gotta be something or someone ? Isn’t this too much to ask of childrren? Have a paper trail that puts you in a good light – you can respond if it makes you look good. What’s great about this is its portability. As mentioned in other posts as well, lots of twisting what she says or writes in a text or email. I’ve been trying to make her happy so she would be accepting of me, not,”You have to work more so we can pay our bills”. You might say: "I know this is very upsetting for you. He never remarried; nobody would ever tolerate his behavior—yes, he has had relationships, mostly with women half his age and easily controlled (like I was) I hear even most of his immediate family has given up on him. How do folks do it? Christie Brinkley said that her ex always pulls something when she has something good happen in her life. That’s exactly how I feel and where I am at now as well, he is not even welcomed in my home. I have to try to think like him, which does not come naturally. If you have a lot of money, your tactics will be somewhat different than that of one with lesser money. I recently saw something on the news about a women whose husband was convicted of sexually assaulting her, is serving time for the crime, but because she made more money than him, she has to pay him spousal support after he is released. But he also grew up in this town all family and friends w him and his cousin attorney, so my only way out was to move out of that town. And just got married to her two days ago. He cut us off financially and played his stupid mind games. Others find a way back in other ways – the important thing is reclaiming that life for yourself and moving on. ” and tune him out. The best advice I have for you or anyone who is separating from a N is to get out a specific intervention order or a AVO as they are called hear in Australia. We were married 23 years after I decided to leave. And thank you for writing and sharing your link. How much do folks depend on their lawyer? He came home one night and pushed me out of bed on the floor. Many kids — and parents — grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially miss the presence of a parent and the family life they had. If you are lucky enough to have a proper homework desk, this homework station keeps everything off their work surface. Neither of you has a legal right to kick the other out. His hatred, insults and delusional accusations against me, mean nothing to me, because his opinion of me holds no weight whatsoever in my life at this point, so therefore nothing he says penetrates me. Honest, it wasn’t 2 weeks after we married that he turned like a pit bull. That gave me the right to determine when visitation would happen. Often the abuser who sees he is losing control will escalate the methods of control and abuse. I remained carer for our son for half of every week until he was 8 years old. After 10 years of our divorced family and organizing homework own businees and a HUGE debt, I finally started to say enough was enough. Document his threats. How about seeing your future with someone else? Whatever arrangement you choose, your child's needs should always come first. He convinced his lawyer that I am a nut. I’m going to talk to a lawyer today. Therapists? Patience seems to go a long way, as long as I can keep calm, he makes mistakes out of his own cockiness and underestimation of me. This is not RIGHT. Comments will be made that will be hurtful, untruthful, and foremost demeaning. I met my husband at a very young, impressionable age (13 years old) and he was my first and only boyfriend. Fell into depression and after the the courts were done and everything was lost. A couple of months before our wedding, which our son was looking forward to attending, she severed contact. The moment you do, you have lost some power. NOW LOL LOL…. I should be grateful he is with such an ugly, fat person because without him, I wouldn’t have anything. My ex tries and tries to engage divorced family and organizing homework me in conversation whenever we cross paths, but I absolutely refuse to speak to him. Several weeks later she went abroad to meet up with her ex-boyfriend, leaving me to look after our son. I was literally dumped two months ago by what was identified by the therapist as a narcissict boyfriend. He was so loving, helpful, empathic, respectful, and so much fun. She has a very “wear the pants” personality and always bites before she barks (Part of that is from her childhood, she needed to be in control to feel safe). Why do you have to move out? Our daughter is in the process of divorcing her narcissistic husband. I’ve been through stress related high blood pressure and breast cancer as a result of those years. I should have gone immediately to the courts and barred him from the house with a motion for exclusive use and possession of our home, but I felt sorry for him and was afraid of him. It took me a very long time to figured this out. How does someone who chooses to act like that, with evidence able to continue to do so with no consequence? You have no idea who watches it – your judge? Happy New Year. How much? IGNORE. But it is possible. (Note: Other states refer to the third-party's goal in these situations as obtaining "guardianship" of the child, rather than custody. In the end Mr. Even when the lies start flying, IGNORE IT. Before payment of alimony, the wife has a taxable income of $10,000 and the husband has a taxable income of $70,000. Don’t get lured into endless negotiations over all the things he wants to continue to control. Anyway, I finally moved out with the girls. He got angry and texted me to get a lawyer to represent us both in a divorce. Everything said in these posts has happened to me. Your former friend and soulmate is now trapped in a terrible situation. (That has gotten better) And I turned to an addiction for my self-care and consolement and a false reality away from my pain. I also experienced the wonderful person who treated me like a princess, and interacted with my son beautifully. Should we include a week’s deadline to respond to each other regarding requests for activities in the DA? Got so bad that I lost my job. I cant get out. I know what I feel I need to go but I do not know if I can get it. I am lucky to make it to work so that I can provide for my daughter and I, but other than that I’m pretty much a recluse. I have stopped responding to emails, now he writes letters to me. Any guy friends that would come along, she would examine them and if they didn’t meet her quals for keeping me leashed, she would excuse diversity in workplace research paper them gradually with making them look bad for me. Start with your state and look on some lawyer’s sites. My ex spouse aggreed to letting me have my son for the summers and closed the child support case. And I am drained. My ex even went as far as posting on my son’s facebook a post that said, “stop bragging about how much fun your having off in college-I dont need you rubbing it in” can you imagine? Com website for communication. Well, I went looking and he was. ) My wife was raised in a very verbally, emotionally, physically, mentally abusive family. Thank you Ann for the insight! I can’t see myself with anyone else right now, and if I did I would make sure that I have my own list of things that I find value and important for a partner and not just the intimacy. It has happened too many times in a short amount of time, considering we never had any major disagreements before marriage. Although some kids can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one "home" and visiting with the other parent. “All the tools they need to complete their work will be at their fingertips, saving time and avoiding interruptions to go and search for things. Don’t give it for ANY reason. Can I really leave? I am tired, emotionally and financially drained, i just checked out a facilty for severe depression and now am recieving disability. I did further research on this and found that he fits the profile perfectly! I sought out counseling on and off for the entire marriage. Best to you and the children, Ann I’m on the other side of a divorce with children. 00 hair styles. Eventually she agreed to leave the family home, but trashed the house reviews for custom writing website – clothes, important business documents and treasured family photographs – before doing so. There would always seem to be something wrong with our children. When I wasn’t, she would withhold certain things, saying that she wasn’t in the mood or saying that I must not care enough bc I can’t keep our bills paid or find a better job? So once the legal separation was under way I was blind sided by losing our house and primary custody of our 2 children to him. I asked for alimony and all of our assets. I just finished reading the comments above-I cannot believe the similarities that all narcissists have. Keep your conversationsite to YES and NO answers as much as possible. That for all these years he has done nothing but manipulate and bully me. We tried to reconcile but he didn’t trust me and was very controlling. We are going to try joint custody, and he has agreed to that, but has told me that if I can’t provide for my daughter when she’s with me, then he will take her. She has shown me and my husband no respect. As the years kept going on, I noticed that she would baby the kids more so than normal, even our boys. Scary thing is… I stayed in this controlling relationship for 9 years much to the despair of my young son from a previous marriage. No, I could not hurt my ex emotionally because he is a narcissist. Thankfully the cop who arested me know me and my husband and knew where my husband lived and that on the warrent he had me locked up for . Relaxing limits, especially during a time of change, tends to make kids insecure and reduces your chances of regaining appropriate parental authority later. I am concerned the language my atty is using does not build enough walls around me and is not “tight” enough to protect me and our children and will not catch him clearly breaking orders? Draining the self-esteem out of you so they can use it for a while… Omg. Thank you so much for writing this and to everyone else for their comments. He has threatened me by saying divorcing him would be worse on me than bankruptcy ever was. It has been a hard road and at times I felt like I was never going to be free. I did not like her from the start, the goodness and Christianity in me tried to love her and her family. Remember that kids don't need to know every last detail — they just need to know enough to understand clearly how their lives are going to change. I know I did, my dad was a belittler, I was the oldest of 3 and the only boy, so it seemed that all I did was wrong and not up to his expectations. I have all but removed myself from my child’s relationship with him, I do not protect him anymore and I do not make up excuses for him like I used to if he doesn’t follow through on something he promised to our child, I’m letting him reveal himself to our child for the person he really is. But that didnt help. Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to a child's age, maturity, and temperament, be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and does not have anything to do with the kids. “Setting up a well-organized, uncluttered homework area for kids is important because it minimizes distractions, enabling them to get to work more quickly,” says Kumar, founder of organizing company Streamlife. They had the boys for a overnight visit & my 5 yo mentions he likes bat man so the night night they stayed at my parents. ALL WOMEMN IVE EVER KNOWN PROVED THEMSELVES AS PROSTITYUTES…. Relax and rebuild your strength and life right now. I moved back home 2300 miles away from them. BUT I no longer live in that oppressive environment with that selfish, controlling person. In some cases, people other than a child's parents may wish to obtain custody -- including relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close family friends. Although we see each other from a distance at school gatherings, we have not spoken to each other for 7 years – since he was 8. We never had much of a relationship to begin with. We have two kids, 8 and 10. Case was closed and im in contempt, theres more to this story, more then I can say. Your message has given me hope. Marital or community property is defined somewhat differently by different states, but it generally includes property and income acquired during the marriage. It was New Year’s Eve, 1997, that my husband had another couple over for the evening to celebrate. I see me as strong and him as weak and because of that I know I will not only survive but THRIVE! I will not speak or acknowledge my ex and it works. Cars houses etc.. But I wasn’t able to get to this place until I learned to IGNORE. I am learning to disengage – it is hard. I got custody of the children and public visitation with no overnights for him. Realize also that the friend who betrayed you is now the one with the problem, not you. But he was always out of work, I’d have to be the breadwinner, then he’d get good jobs but I never got any money. You need financial assets to protect yourself and your children. That got twisted around when he told my lawyer that I stood on the porch and screamed at the kids to take the check and throw it on the ground and make their chicken s**t dad pick it up and bring it to me. I wish there was something I could do to help you. He hadn’t had her alone yet but I know he has the right to visitation and I can’t keep her from him forever. My question is why don’t judges seem aware of this narcisstic behavior and the signs? I agree with you Run like Hell . Always, always remember, they are the problem, not you and learn to control your emotions so you can not be the bait. She is physically a phoney with 3000. I want to run and hide in the mountains somewhere and rid myself of all ways of his communicating with me, but is that the right thing to do? Funny thing was they called my spouse just a few house before and we told them we had to pick up the boys and we would stop in quick on way home to let them give it to them…. Thank you so much for sharing this story of how to leave: planning, support, strategy, calm in the face of a destructive partner, handling the kids so well to minimize harm, etc. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible, in a way that they can understand and process. They collaborated on many case together and amazingly kept us out of court the first go round! So many of the comments are nearly identical to what I have gone through. Congratulations on your planning skills and thank you for sharing other tips on things you might have done. ( please forgive me I’m not being rude, I just j I just just nobody trust nobody. We love this great Ikea hack from the clever mama behind Smashed Peas and Carrots. Never underestimate a narcissist – they never change, not 15 years after the divorce—-still the same person—just such hate in their hearts…I cried yesterday when I saw the interview with Christy Brinkley—I know what she means, to just want peace from the person…. Now, I get to close the door and he can never come in. The narcissist will pick it apart to find items that they can control and abuse you with later. I feel laws need to be changed. He is a financial planner, very savvy when it comes to money. Things got better with my ex when he met another woman because his entire focus wasn’t on me anymore. He said that he didn’t believe it was accurate – he was in the military and HAD to believe he was the best at everything because others’ lives were in his control. Taking control of the abuse, thefts, and other crimes is. As others have said, ignore, ignore, ignore all the taunts and lies that will be thrown at you. This is so common what is going on in your life. Depression, moodiness, acting out, poor performance in school, use of alcohol or other drugs, sexual activity, or chronic oppositional behavior can all signal that kids are having trouble. Ugh… Beyond that, I worry about the bad impact he has had on our children, who they will become, what kind of relationship skills they will have. Such a one sided explanation all that coming from was the his or him wake up society Can anyone provide specific Divorce Agreement language to use when divorcing a narcissist? Letters, emails where he goes back and forth with my emotions, tel ling me how sorry he is for what he put me through and then the next communication, he threatens me financially and takes absolutely no responsibility for what happened. She is also trying to maintain being available for the two children as much as she was prior to all this. Ann I’m sorry for what you are going through but it sounds all too familiar. She is trying to get back in the workplace, manage a home, pay attorney fees, and deal with trying to get the divorce finalized. Sometimes subtly, sometimes right out in the open by making fun of me, blaming me, making odd attempts to “punish” me for stuff he thinks I did wrong. My husband was a mess-drunk and being verbally abusive but finally went to bed. This too has all been used against me. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your child will come to accept the new situation. I wish I had known this type of support was out there at the time. You have rights. I did not love him the way he loved me and he had to have meaningful conversation with someone who understood him. He had to “fix me” first – I blew up at that and he tried to back track and say “fix us” – he would tell everyone that I was being hormonal. “Oh, I understand why you are doing this. Of course his relationship this woman didn’t last and I still have to deal with his crap but I keep my conversations with him to Yes and No answers. You need it and you deserve it. Until then, I though I was the only one going through this. LOL…. Which I brought into our marriage, she took advantage of that for collateral. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Work on DETACHING from their world. I hurt him where it hurt him most. Similar expectations regarding bedtimes, rules, and homework will reduce anxiety. So I did and now hes denying my visitations and no contact. I saw a therapist to get clear on whether or not to work on the marriage or to leave. Whatever you do, do not claim domestic violence has occurred, just to get your spouse removed from the home. He agreed to that because I had the computer and he was afraid of going to jail. I found that he fit to a T the profile of a spath. The pain I feel is so deep and he doesn’t care. Best, Ann I too divorced an “N” and what a ride. Please know their dad did everything he could, and still does, to belittle his children as well-they are never happy unless they are benefitting in some way. You truly are an inspiration to me! I think your kids will be there for you in the near future and you will have the peace and calm you so well deserve. So very true. I GUESS I HAVE YET TO MEET A GOOD WOMAN TODAY 🙂 How typical of the perception that it’s always the male. She would always ask if there were girls in my classes? IGNORE no matter how difficult it is. He was out of state but returned to fight me. I set four new records with my attorney (who has been practicing for 42 years). She needs to say things such as, “Yes, children need both parents. This is frowned upon too. You are not loved, cared about, respected, or even human to these individuals. It was always ME who made him do those things. Teens may have behavior problems, exhibit depression, show poor school performance, run away from home, or get into trouble with the law. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to "win. “I had to leave because of you because you are so mentally ill. Methylation mutations are being considered the basis for what you have. I was told it would be for 6 months to reorganize the company. Some parents choose to both remain in the same home — but this only works in the rarest of circumstances and in general should be avoided. It soon became clear that her behaviour was cruel and deliberate and I realised that the marriage was at an end. Please do read the link above. Glad you are finding pathways back to sanity. Why didn’t we answer the phone? Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines, like school and social life? They were so angry they stopped emailing him again. He wasted marital assets on cruises and gifts for her. Find help and support and use it. The other couple, to whom HER husband was another abusive person, caused a huge scene, stormed out of the house and left-which now left me there alone with my husband and kids…not good. I know it’s a lot to ask of me to too to continue living this way…trust me, if I had it my way I would have left him a long time ago. It’s extremely disturbing that these behaviours are actually overlooked by law enforcement. No contact removes a source of power…the power to lie about what you say and the truth about what they are. I loved him and kept believing that it would change and that it was all my fault. I feel like I can’t deal with anything else. My boys are so spoiled my their lavish gifts (apparently that is how that family shows love). We own a business together and we hardly ever went to work. That's why it's common and very natural for some kids to hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together — even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them. Is this a sincere post ? Now hw is trying to playthe ‘great dad’ and is taking them to places that I cannot go becasue Icannot tolerate the wifi in thosw places. It is quite moving and heartfelt. Yes, the similarities are freaky. He acts as if I am the one who is out of line for my ignorance and inconsideratness of his disorder. I have wonderful friends who have taken me in. Said i couldnt point a gun at him. I’ve built a great support system, have a great lawyer, and found strength I never thought I had. All i want is my children but he continues to see this as a battle to be won…but what is the reward? He has took everything of mine to where i have nothing. He now has the nerve to blame me for all of it saying I had many options but chose to be a co owner of his company. When he would say,”I really miss you, my girlfriend is not like having my wife of 32 years”, I would decode it as “I like it much better when I had both a wife AND a girlfriend”. Wish you the best with your work and your life!!! Keep yourself SAFE. And even bringing some one else in when we aren’t even legally divorced yet. & my NH didn’t say a word it drives me so crazy when I Ask questions he is so mean but he bows down to his parents who treated him like crap growing up. We went to counselor last month for him. If I claim that, then I am being “the victim”. Best, Ann Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! Gone are the days when I felt obligated to make nice for his sake. But it has been so painful for me – that my daughter knows what her dad will do to me, and yet to get her way, she ‘tells’ on me if I give her a punishment (like being grounded), or if I tell her ‘No, you cant do that” like go to the mall, etc. 3)The most expensive divorce, and 4) The only female client he ever had that didn’t cry during the divorce proceedings. We are not given an instruction book to see abnormal. It’s been four years and it’s just as bad as the day I left. Hopefully I can get something resolved quickly, because I can’t take another night like last night anytime soon. One thing I did that stopped my anxious moments immediately was to file a bar complaint against opposing counsel. If your spouse changes the locks, or somehow prevents you from entering the home, you can call the police. We go to pick them up in the car and low and behold. Abusers deserve no contact.. Here I am 12 years later- I pay 750. My oldest daughter was seeing a therapist – she wanted to – and I required my youngest to see one as long as she was having visitation with her father. I was in total shock, attributing her behaviour to post-natal depression. I’m trying to help my 13 year old be free from the effects his dad knows the devastation and unhappiness it can destroy someone innocent that never asked to be put in the middle. After six years we were the second longest case in bankruptcy history. Thank all of you so much. I miss the confident woman I used to be. I won’t give him the satisfaction because that only keeps me on his level and I know for a fact that I am no where near on the same level that he is on. The counselor stated that my “tunnel vision” on the narcissism and my depression are the main problems for us! Take good care of yourself and realize there is a gift in here: you found out what he is really made of before he could do more damage. This is important for two reasons – #1 – it drives them CRAZY, and #2, when and if you DO react, it gives them fuel to say YOU are the crazy one. I swear, this is WAR, and I wish I had been better prepared. Finally in 2000 my husband agreed to go with me to counseling. Mr. He continued to bombard me daily until I went to court and asked that he was not allowed to discuss (in the text of emails) anything that did not pertain to exact topics about our daughter eg health, pickup etc. I would also STRONGLY suggest to anyone with child custody issues to use the ourfamilywizard. That changed over the years as well. Robot?? My ex is trying to say that my son is troubled and manipulated by me, of course, but he is a straight A student and once he got away from his dad, is finally happy again. There were a few last straw moments and then I moved out. Proof of affairs and pornography, 11 witnesses, to losing my case over hear say and accusations, Im unfit because of religion, I stopped going to they’re” church. He wants nothing more than to destroy me , my career, and is extremely jealous and insecure of himself and doesnt care about my children not having their mother (and a damn good one) in their life or not! I just don’t know how to escape him from even 1000 miles away. Its like a game of whose high and whose low, whose superior over the other one and who has the most control or the upperhand. How dare I disagree with him or voice any concerns? My story is so similiar to everyone else’s. I, however, am much better. I knew a long time ago things were not right in our relationship but did not see it all culminating for one reason, I’d never had a long-term relationship before my marriage so nothing to compare it to. Please note he isnt paying one red cent towards this child’s education, mind you. They know she isn’t qualified to diagnose and will think she is a revengeful wife of a concerned spouse and she’s trying for control. I feel helpless! There will be no mercy shown by your narcissist during this time. I love my wife dearly, I want nothing more than to hold her again, snuggling on the couch, watching a movie. Pray for her and, maybe even be a friend to her when her life comes crashing down. Manipulate and alienate their children… My concern is that the courts are enabling this nrcisistic father to further damage and control me and my children by not giving them their birthday cards, blocking my phone number from my daughters phone…but not my son’s, why? Though I knew our marriage was bad, I had not defined him as an N while I was quietly preparing for the day when I would leave, and maybe that’s good because I might have been too scared to leave. He ordered me to send him sexually explicit tex messages to provide stimulation to him and he saved them and used them against me in court. You were abused as a child, so you think it’s okay to hurt your own child. One of the hardest parts is that people have understanding and sympathy for victims of physical abuse but because he is so good at the illusion of “Mr. I have been married to a narcissist for 15 years. Critics, however, say that it is best for the child to have one home base, with liberal visitation allowed to the "non-custodial" parent. Which was stupid because I got the shiner 5 months later. They are relentless in their vendetta. Best to you and your son, Ann Thanks so much, Ann, for your words of support and practical suggestions, which I shall follow immediately. It seems like a lot with all the therapists and social workers involved but it was what got us through. Ns will stop at nothing to get you. During my college years, she would call my cell non-stop until I would have to leave class to call. I think he was really “working” my younger daughter during visitation and keeping things stirred up. This is a most difficult time. And for that – consider genetic mutations. Is there property to be divided? She is living with a psychotic ex alcoholic that had her daughter taken away from her. When I tugged at her, he screamed at the top of his lungs “OH MY GOD!!! I know you are worn out. His attorney knows them and knows you don’t. Narcissists will stop at nothing. He is in law enforcement, and is the head of the criminal justice department at the local college, and he knows what that would do for his career. Acknowledge her and nurture her and she’ll be there soon enough. Frequently, the agency and court will work together to implement a child support withholding order, by which the child support amount is automatically taken from the payer's paycheck. If his dad needed help at the business my husband would put off our plans. Remembering how I had to do it before, I thought it was over but I’m quickly realizing it has only just begun. He has even asked me will I still help him get on his feet. However, I worry about what he will do to our kids when he has them to himself. They wouldn’t even co-sign a loan for him and we was a decent kid & actually worked for his dad after school and most weekends My spouse always complained on how unfairly he was treated which I can attest to (my spouse was very over weight as a teen) my spouse lost weight and is making more$$$ than is golden brother now and a huge switch was flipped his dad calls every day and asks EVERYTHING. Alimony usually is treated as income to the recipient and a deduction from income to the person paying alimony. It was a nightmare and still continues to this day. He was even able to manipulate the therapist!! If they are using textbooks, notebooks, paper and pens, you’ll need ample work surface so things can be spread out comfortably. I wasn’t allowed to see what was in the bank-it wasn’t my business-just be grateful your bills are paid-he paid everything. I was just tired of being miserable. They have tunnel vision when you have become the designated enemy. ” “Determine how your children will work. You poor empaths are like innocent children and people like me (think Catcher and Dexter) protect you. I am just hoping that as he gets older he will develop a stronger sense of self and of his own judgement. Bills were never paid up and I always needed to work more. The quality of the relationship between infant and principal caregiver that affects a person's sense of self and relationships with others. That confident woman is in stealth mode, waiting for the right time to emerge. They are separted and trying for joint custody. Last night I was told I was a terrible mom, because I wanted to get divorced, and told me he would never sign a divorce paper and I would have to take him to court. A parent who is jealous of his own children? Thanks much for writing and making a difference. Fighter: You have described my relationship with my ex ‘N’ to a tea. Best of luck! If you don't, you may have to pay a $50 penalty and your deduction may be disallowed. My husband and I were raised like that. You must provide the social security number of the spouse or former spouse receiving the payments. But not by the law so they couldn’t do anything tell they caught him in the act. In February 1998 I moved out of the house, with just the two boys and the clothes on our backs and never looked back. DO NOT use your lawyer as a therapist. That was all I needed but I retained the attorney for myself as I knew this would be the battle of my life which it is. I’d have to write you a novel. I will no longer be his Narcissitic Supply. She should have married a richer man. A home, furniture, and cars purchased during the marriage usually are considered marital property. Eddy It wouldn’t hurt to do a little games playing yourself – go ahead and spoil your grandchild a bit here. So, sitting here reading all these short stories and situations that people are in, it has started to settle with me that I married a Narc and victim mentality personality. Child support orders are issued by the family court, which bases the amount of the support on the state child support guidelines. Child support can be increased if there is a change in circumstances justifying the increase, such as an increase in the payer's income or the cost of living, a decrease in the custodial parent's income, or an increase in the child's needs. She has been signed off for awhile. But just couldn’t wait. Your MSA (Marital Settlement Agreement) will be you future bible.